Holiday Snaps

I haven't been eager to cross-promote my activities, to use the marketing jargon, but this seems like a reason to link two of them. Some may know that I have an alternative site based around my pictures, and those who care to see where I've been can look at the following:

Perpignan Photo Gallery

At least there's no obligation, unlike the traditional holiday photo slideshow!

Attitude Update

Well, the blog hasn't died yet. I think it may be more a case of easing off and mentally recalibrating its content.

It's been three months since I stopped going to the brethren's meetings, and by the time the quarter-year in my own home has passed, I will be another year older. Although life continues to move fast, I am beginning to feel as though the routine aspects are getting under control, and I no longer have to expend quite so much mental effort just on scheduling.

These days I don't throw so much veg away, and since I discovered steaming (which suits single-person cooking very well, as does a frying pan), I've hardly used frozen veg either. I've been gently shown that laminate floors are better wiped than vacuumed. And the ironing board is much better near the stereo, even if it is less than ideal to have it in the living room. Somehow or other all the jobs that need doing get done in the gaps of time there are.

I think, too, that after this month ends I will have a good idea of my monthly finances. I've been logging all my outgoings, and categorising them (a chore, but vital right now), so that now the initial frightening pile of expenses has receded, I can see what it really costs to live. That, in turn, allows me to plan sensibly for the future.

There seems to be a reasonable sum left after essentials, which is just as well because I have a good many things to save for. That's where the planning will soon have to start. Work, travel, buying property instead of renting. Expensive things, and there will need to be trade-offs.

Besides, now the big leap from brethren to ex-brethren has happened, and I haven't cracked under the strain (my osteopath told me the tension she's been used to treating is almost gone), I should be turning my attention to new and positive achievements. Maybe posting them here will help to make them goals instead of dreams.

Nearing the End?

It may be time to face facts and realise that my blog is dying.

This writing has always been a cathartic activity, with posts forming themselves out of concerns and thoughts that would otherwise keep rushing around my brain with no exit. It has also been emotional, and solitary, as it has been a journey that to a large extent had to be travelled alone.

Now, to my surprise, I find that there are good people in the world, people who can be true friends, who can have a call on my time and a tug at my thoughts, and be a fulfilment in themselves. I shouldn't be surprised, and on a surface level I'm not, but somewhere deep down I did think I was solitary, and that I would always feel a little outside the happy enjoyment that others seem to get together. It isn't so.

But with my thoughts on happier things, it's harder to feel strongly enough to post entries about my old life, and the new life involves others and is therefore more private. I have to ask myself on that account what purpose the blog serves. Is it worth continuing? Will it dwindle, as appropriate topics occur to me less and less often, or should I just move on? The questions may well answer themselves, but it's something to ponder.

Guilt Trip

Some days ago, I thought I would write about guilt, responding to a comment that made me realise what a key component it is in brethren life, and just how much it can hang on afterwards.

Since then, life has been busy in a number of ways. Obviously I have had to catch up with assorted chores that didn't get done while I was away. I have also been writing about last weekend while it's fresh in my mind. Above all, though, I have been savouring real life. And real life is an obstacle course without a map, or any kind of instructions. I have been navigating by feel.

That, rather than adherence to a given doctrine, has always been my guide. My concept of - for want of a better word - sin, has generally revolved around damage to others, although I wouldn't be so foolish as to restrict it to that. I am deeply uncomfortable with acts that hurt people. And that uncomfortableness, watched for, acts as my guide to moral behaviour. I dare say many people would say the same, however they identify it, and that's the basis of what Christians know as the conscience. So, for me, long experience has told me that there are many things I have been told are wrong which don't give me that signal, and I find I am unable to take such teachings seriously. Consequently I am untroubled by guilt when I ignore those teachings, except in so far as the actual crossing of the boundary hurts somebody who feels differently.

My observation suggests that there are many ex-brethren who have found that difficult. I'm not sure why.

Brethren morality is very firmly rooted in authority. Right and wrong are too important to be left to individual judgement, and are decided somewhere on high and handed down. As a result, the first among sins is disobedience - not necessarily the most evil of sins, but the one that gets the most attention. So brethren grow up with a sense that not doing as they're told is inherently wrong, and there are so many things they are told that there must always be something they are falling short in. And therefore there is a constant low-level feeling of guilt at all times, ready to ripen into a more severe emotion whenever some rule is definitively flouted. To quote a saying from a film last night: "Beat your wife every morning. If you don't know why, she does." That, apart from the violence, fits with the brethren's mindset.

The tendency, when removed from the obligation to pay attention to this multitude of rules, is to go one of two opposite directions: either throw out everything one has ever been taught, or keep it lurking in the background. The first is dangerous, and the second damaging, yet the middle course is a very difficult balancing act. Obviously some brethren teachings have a sound moral basis, and are useful and important as a guide to life. Many don't, and aren't. It's one thing to decide in one's head which is which, and another to really feel it, so as to be comfortable with the difference, and that is complicated by long indoctrination that one ought always to feel a bit guilty about something, because one cannot be already perfect.

I suppose, in my case, that is the virtue of having come to leaving by a long and gradual route. I suspect that the suddenness of the change made life very difficult for many. But as for me, I can honestly say that the only thing which brings guilty feelings in me is knowing that my family are hurt by the fact that I feel differently. And really, I wouldn't want to harden my heart to that one because it would mean losing my understanding of them.

Back from a Short Holiday

Where to begin? What to include? How much is relevant?

Difficult questions. Nobody likes to hear unending tales of somebody else's holiday, and besides, my purpose here is to document my view of brethren life and my leaving of it, not just pour out anything and everything of what I do. Having agonised that far, I will say that I feel much richer for having been away. There are parts of life that were closed to me, aspects I only dimly knew existed, and taking a leap for a few days into a different area helps to open up the doors of perception, even if it isn't long enough to allow any claim of deep experience.

I said I was visiting the south of France. Having been, I would say that I have visited Catalonia. The signposts are in two languages, and point to Andorra and Barcelona rather than anywhere obviously French. It's a region that I can't imagine any brethren ever going to, though, even if some do live across the Spanish border.

Our base was in the centre of Perpignan, in a little street I suppose (somewhat naively) is typical of a thriving modernised medieval city on the Mediterranean. In other words, narrow, paved, with old tall buildings each side, painted assorted colours. Shutters, some open, some closed, on the windows, and balconies and roof-gardens stuffed with various items of inhabitation and festooned with washing. Oh, and wires strung all over the place. The apartment was kindly provided by a friend, and acted more as a sleeping quarters than anything more as it was stripped for redecoration. That adds to the fun, of course. My companion's mother lives mere yards away as the crow flies, on the top of the opposite side of the street, so her place was easily accessible for meals and relaxation - easily, that is, if you like stairs.

Oddly, that bit felt quite natural. I have slept in empty houses before when staying away, as weekend-long special meetings among the brethren often require every spare space to be used.

I won't detail everything we did, but anyone interested can always look up the following:

- Le Canigou
- Grotte des Grandes Canalettes
- Abbaye Saint-Martin du Canigou
- Villefranche
- Palais des rois de Majorque
- Arab Market
- The museum in the Castle
- Petit bus
- Canet plage

Besides all that touristy activity, there was a good bit of sociable relaxation, and one meal for the friends and extended family of my companion's mother. That took place in one of the friends' restaurant on the beachside at Canet ... while the Rugby world cup semi-final between England and France was showing on a big screen. Now that, one way and another, is a long way from being brethren-style fun. Good, though, even though I can't work up much enthusiasm for the game itself.

And, above all, it was just better than I can say to get away from everything, and enjoy good company, silly and serious talk, and get to know somebody outside the normal routine of life. That, then, is what a holiday is. I can recommend it.

Weekend in France

Well, in a real departure (in more ways than one), I am off in the morning for a weekend in the south of France. As far as I recall, I have never had a pure holiday before. How deprived I've been.

Holidays are not a brethren feature, just as fun and pleasure aren't. Everything must have a purpose, and enjoyable trips are always disguised as business, self-improvement in the form of attending special meetings, or fact-finding missions. The idea of going somewhere just because you need a break is an alien one, to be squashed if it ever shows itself. Unless the break is one required for health, of course, in which case cash will be found for the person concerned to be placed in the best possible treatment centre.

A few years ago a document was written which rapidly became part of brethren scripture, setting out the requirements for what might be termed active engagement in the fellowship. Although, having looked back at it since, I saw that it was actually quite reasonable in its demands where they were specific, there were ominous ambiguities in the language which meant I would have nothing to do with it. When all responsible males were encouraged to commit to the document publicly - encouraged to the point of obligation, at least - I held back and made clear that I would not do so. That meant I was removed from the list of people available for consideration for travel or meetings outside the normal routine, which worried me not at all. My lack of concern was considered strange in itself, as such meetings are the equivalent of holidays among the brethren, even though they're actually more stressful than daily life.

A year or two later, my suspicion was justified. Suddenly it became totally unacceptable for brethren from other countries to visit France. Apparently this is mostly because of the French attitude to "sincere Christians", which makes travel to France a deliberate trip into The World, but the culture probably doesn't help. The astonishing thing about this sudden ban was that it was tied to the document I have just mentioned. In spite of having absolutely nothing in it which could be interpreted as having anything to say about visiting particular countries, disapprovingly or otherwise, it was held to be so obvious to any well-meaning person that travel to France was incompatible with the said document, that having done such travelling suddenly required public repentance.

I kind of expected a steady broadening of the rules based on any piece of writing taken so seriously. But this brazen non-sequitur of a commandment took my breath away.

So, no France for brethren, unless they have a really cast-iron reason.

But I'm going anyway, as my travelling companion's mother lives there, and I have no guilt whatsoever. What a stupid rule.

Social Music

I'm still feeling a little bit fuzzy from a succession of late nights. All the reasons were different - they weren't all parties! Last night, for instance, I appeared to have the opportunity of getting to bed early, and then my doorbell rang at about quarter to ten, with official visitors. Not to worry, I have a holiday coming up fast.

Friday night was especially fascinating, as I went to an Acoustic Music Club evening with a friend who performs there. As brethren evening get-togethers often seem to end up as acoustic music clubs, in effect, it made for an intriguing comparison.

The main difference, I suppose, was that in this case, the music was the point of the gathering, and everybody who was squeezed into the function room in the upstairs of a pub was there either to play or listen. For brethren, the music is just an expected part of a social gathering. Organisation and expectation tends to kill music when that's the basis. On Friday night we all faced forward and paid attention while a compere announced each performer, and they had two songs each. Brethren wouldn't think of doing it that way: it's often a struggle to get the first person to play anything, but once anyone gets going, they usually continue until there is some reason to stop, while social activity happens around them.

Thinking about it, brethren have an ambivalent relationship with music. On the one hand there is the general belief that anything enjoyable which isn't spiritual is wrong to at least some degree, and on the other there is the tradition that music belongs to God. That's a tension which makes a certain kind of oscillating approval pretty much inevitable. Singing, by brethren doctrine, is "transport" and also fellowship, and therefore hymns are a good thing. Other music has to take its chances depending on the taste of the people whose taste matters.

Back when I was much younger, with a mid-western American leadership, country was in, jazz was out, and classical was suspicious. Anyone who enjoyed classical music was too cerebral to be spiritual. Every child who could summon up the smallest amount of ability to play notes in approximately the right order learned to play an instrument, and as soon as they could render a recognisable version of a popular song were added to the unofficial roster of "people who can play". Anyone who could actually play enjoyably had to get used to being in demand when at any social occasion.

So the Acoustic Music Club was familiar in that way, with a variety of talent on show, the variety including the amount of talent per person. It was cosy, and it made me smile. Sometimes the feeling of mutual encouragement and social enjoyment is more important than the inherent value of the entertainment itself. Some of the performers were very good, and none of them was less than interesting.

About twenty years ago, the music among the brethren began to taper off, as the general attitude became more serious. Certainly children appeared to stop learning to play music, and those who didn't actively enjoy playing forgot what they'd learned. Those who did still play were still much in demand - if anything more so, as they became fewer in number. More recently the pendulum seems to have swung again, and teenagers are once more very serious about music. They even seem to know current songs, which is most mysterious considering they aren't allowed to listen to pre-recorded music ...