Islands

A funny thing happened to me on the way to the supermarket yesterday. No, really.

My car is fairly distinctive and there aren't too many around like it. However, I have noticed an almost-identical twin around the area in the last few months. Yesterday, while getting a ticket in the carpark, it drove round from somewhere else and parked right in the next bay. I ended up having a good long chat to the owner, a German who actually lives very close to me too. He's an enthusiastic member of the fan club for these cars, and when I checked their website (which I used to do more often a while back), I saw that he'd already posted a photo of our cars side-by-side!

Which reminded me that I had been thinking a few days ago about a "belonging" feeling. While I would hesitate to say that I miss the strength of that feeling among the brethren, I can definitely feel its absence. It seems that human beings are hard-wired - to a greater or lesser extent - to feel a need to be part of a group. I couldn't help wondering if this guy's enthusiasm was partly a result of having moved to a new country leaving a certain amount of his old social identity behind, and so therefore he was more disposed to put time and energy into a group that shared an interest. Who knows. If we stay in contact, I may find out.

I don't doubt the old cliche "no man is an island", but it does seem less true than it used to be. The sense of community among the brethren is insistent and relentless if you're feeling trapped by it, and secure and unfailing if you like it. I don't think anyone would claim it was weak. The very fact that it's so hard to break the connection (emotionally, that is - it's physically very easy indeed) means that the sense of being part of something larger than oneself is so ingrained that it never needs questioning. You just ARE part of that larger entity, and anything else is all but unthinkable. By comparison, the links I've experienced on the outside seem fragile and consequently worryingly temporary.

There is a big bonus to the normal outside way. As the links are based on choice in each direction, freedom is built-in. The other side of that benefit is that those of us used to an absence of choice can't help feeling that such links are in danger of breaking at any time. We stand alone, and are dependent on the choice of others for continued community, which can be unsettling. I can understand the temptation to limit one's relationships just to minimise the risk of heartache. Or at the very least, to put energy into the type of community which makes minimal demands, such as the many online forums that seem to grow permanent residents these days. Or a car club.

I no longer have an accessible family myself, and most of my new friends and acquaintances seem to have minimal family ties. That makes them seem like islands to me, and something deep down considers that a rather melancholy state. Yet I doubt they see it that way themselves. Anybody without the experience of belonging to a community that demands your membership be a primary part of your identity as a person would, I think, struggle to see any attraction in the idea. A link based on personal choice must surely be of infinitely greater value than one that is based on demand. And without doubt it is ... except that something in the human make-up does like the security of a strong arbitrary connection. The very fact that you can't change it means that it's reliable.

Freedom is a great thing, and I wouldn't be without it, but it doesn't come without some cost.

Something New to Work On

The blog has been dwindling somewhat and, although I'm a bit sad at that, it is really a good thing. I try to keep it relevant, and that means the subjects are meant to be always about my life as a person who used to be among the brethren. Either things that occur to me about the brethren themselves, or things I've been "protected from" in the past and am therefore encountering for the first time. Well, as time has gone on, there's been less of that. Call it creeping normality ... or maybe a rut. Depends on the viewpoint.

Except that in the summer warmth something is stirring. An old dream is flickering into life. I have taken steps, and thought about more. Yes, I am attempting to move into wedding and portrait photography. That's new.

I've considered that in the past and tended to dismiss it. There are a lot of people in the game, and a lot more people dabbling part-time and so diluting the paying market - Adam Smith himself pointed out that it's very hard to make money doing something that others do for fun. I've tended to concentrate on commercial work when not taking photographs for my own pleasure, as nobody does that for enjoyment and people are readier to pay out for something that has a clear benefit to them in monetary terms. A good picture makes a product easier to sell, and anybody who's tried knows that such pictures are more difficult than they look. And besides, I'm by nature a quiet person, and products don't need bossing around in the way that people do for official photos.

However, there is one huge advantage to the social type of work, and that is that it can run alongside normal employment. Just now, that's very important. And if, as an outside possibility, it turned into enough of a money generator to actually live on, it would also leave useful free time to catch up on areas of my life where I've missed out. That, combined with the fact that I need no longer restrict myself to working alone (and can consequently put some of the burden of visible authority on a trusted partner) means that I can't resist giving it a go. A side benefit is that I already have basically everything I need as equipment, and so needn't risk anything financially.

So I've looked through my photo collection and found just a few photos that could be a seed - maybe enough to convince others I can be trusted with their occasion. I shall spend a bit of time putting together the cards, leaflets, information etc that say "competent professional" and see where that gets me. I may need to get some people to pose artificially, perhaps, so as to fill in gaps. But overall I think I shall be presenting myself as the type who's almost invisible, capturing people and events while staying out of the limelight, and that means I needn't spend too much effort on huge formal set-ups. I have a few more ideas that may offer a bit of differentiation, too.

The biggest problem is publicity, at least in my mind. I've never liked shouting about myself (writing, yes, but that feels more private) and I suspect success may depend on being fairly blatant about self-promotion. I'll gather ideas from wherever I can, but there may have to be some gritted teeth and forthright blowing of my own trumpet at some point.

Still, I've been almost a year treading water. It's time for some vision and this feels like a good one.

Not such a loner

Up to a year ago I would have said that I was by nature a solitary person. The brethren lifestyle is one of pretty near constant companionship, and that was something I always found difficult. I do like my personal space.

But this has been the first weekend for many months that I have spent alone and it has felt quite empty, to my surprise.

One thing that is different to my expectations of life away from the brethren is that I don't have a lot of time. I imagined that once I was free from the eternal round of meetings and obligatory visitings, I would have the space to achieve many of the things I'd always wanted to do. Yet I hadn't really reckoned on housework - well, I had, but not that when combined with a day's work it can leave a person feeling like there's no urgent rush to get non-essential things done. And other free time when spent with valued company seems too precious for activities that could be undertaken alone.

So I thought this weekend would be a good one in that regard. I had a vague mental list of things that I had been wanting to do.

In the event, I didn't do too much. Saturday was spent looking forward to visitors in the evening, and then the visitors came and went. Enjoyably, I hasten to say, but I did feel more alone than before afterwards, and it really wasn't very long compared to the weekend. And most of my list has remained vague.

It's odd, but I have become used to being part of a unit that isn't just me, and that isn't something I particularly expected to do very soon.

Sidling into a Technological Future

Things continue to develop at the bleeding edge of brethren technological advancement. What is particularly interesting to observe is the way that the thin end of various wedges are starting to work further into the previously impenetrable cracks in what was unbroken luddism not too long ago.

I think I've mentioned before about mobiles. Initially, they were strictly attached to cars, and nobody but a very select few was allowed to know the number of any of them. They were for emergency contact and outgoing calls. Those restrictions loosened with time, and I wasn't too surprised to see that. It always seems that once something is allowed at all, it loses the aura of evil that the management spent so much trouble building up. And it wasn't too long before genuine mobiles became available (sorry, they aren't mobiles, they're "portables"), as long as they were the neutered ones provided from the central distributor. How successful they can be in holding back the tide of further loosening ... well, I reserve judgement and will watch with interest.

From my point of view, it has been fascinating watching the computer situation, too.

There was a big initial effort to present the official machines as simply a glorified (literally!) mix of typewriter and calculator. Partly this was necessary to overcome the average brethren-member's suspicion, and hold on to some vestige of the old technophobia, but the computers themselves were set up with the assumption that use would be quite restricted. They are low-powered, with small hard drives and slow processors and loud fans. What's more, they are complete pigs to administer. Any problem of any kind requires the personal presence of the one person for miles around who has the necessary passwords to sort anything out. A corrupted mouse driver, for example, will probably render a machine unusable until that person has time to visit. And an intrusive blocking mechanism randomly shuts down all sorts of things in case they might be an attempt to install something. Depending on the particular computer, opening a document with "install" in the title (such as instructions in PDF form) can do it, working on VBA code can do it, and attempting page setup in Acrobat Reader will do it. And the only functions that have any internet access are automatic updates and email.

Now new computers, with a new model number, are starting to appear. And it seems that even the slow brains behind the technological rollout are realising that things could be done more sensibly. They are more powerful, and quieter, for a start. And - glory be! - they can be administered remotely, and even a little bit of administration can be done by the user. Web access is functional, with a whitelist as a control. That allows access to the central distributor's own website, with permitted programs available for download. It also allows a few other websites deemed innocent enough. The user can also contact the distributor with a request for an unlock code for new software, after which they can install it themselves.

Like the mobile phone situation, this begs the question of how far this will go, and how much the drift to normality can be controlled. The thing is that everything just works so much easier when technology is treated as normal instead of hampered at every turn, and the brethren do worship efficiency in their current version. But where will the line eventually be drawn? I don't really dare make a guess at this stage, but I look forward to finding out.

Getting to know unfamiliarity

This may not make as much sense as I'd like, as I'm battling a headache right now. I have been prone to those this week, which seems to be something to do with my neck. An extra osteopath visit may be required.

Still, my thoughts have been about the perennial puzzle of why ex-brethren feel useless and alien in some circumstances while other "normal" people struggle to see what's so strange. And yes, I'm talking about my own experience, but from conversations it does seem like I'm not the only one.

What eventually occurred to me was that I was thinking about this the wrong way around. In some situations, I feel awkward and odd and don't know what to do. When I say so, I am told not to worry because everyone feels that way, and I've wrestled with why that still leaves me worried. And my conclusion is that it's not that the difference between me and others is that I feel odd and they don't, but that they are used to feeling that way whereas I'm not.

Brethren lead a sheltered life, there's no doubt about that. And for many of us who've left it behind, that was one of the frustrating things we longed to leave. Yet shelter and predictability are habit-forming, and something deep within me expects life to only present me with situations in which I know what is expected - or at least in which I can work out rapidly at a gut level how to act. Rigidity is convenient at an emotional level.

Here on the outside it feels absurd to expect life to be like that. Hence the average person is familiar with unfamiliarity and it must be hard to imagine the kind of life that could lead to normal everyday variation feeling alien. As with so many things, the mind knows that, while something underneath finds it harder to accept.

Most people my age have not experienced everything there is to experience. Yet it is definitely old enough to discover oneself and feel comfortable with a standard set of reactions to the unfamiliar. Whereas I am new to so many things that all I feel able to do is freeze, and that in itself worries me. At least I have a bit more perspective on it these days, and so can watch myself and control the process. Knowing there are understandable reasons does help.

Little bits of life

I had thought I would note a few more things this week, but the days have rushed by and another weekend is almost here. So just a couple of comments, one on unclean links and another on pipelines of filth.

I am now a member of the National Trust, and not just a member but a joint one. That links me with the largest society in Europe (apparently), and surely some of those are bound to be disreputable people? That's what my old co-religionists would say, anyway. In actual fact, one of the things that's so pleasant about the NT is that the average member is so relentlessly middle-class, predictably well-mannered and unobtrusive. We visited yet another of our series of old houses last weekend - Ham House in Richmond - and the pattern held. And it was nice to snack in the sun, sitting on a bench that looked a hundred years old.

My membership sticker is in the windscreen of my car, but I haven't had any comment yet. I'd rather be externally identified by that than as a member of the brethren, I have to say, regardless of their thoughts on the subject.

I have also acquired an increasing fondness for radio, and now wake to the sound of a clock-radio thanks to a gift. That too would be a shock to my family, as radio is almost a defining moral point for brethren - if you can't see the evil, you are the wrong side of a very definite line. Yet I was thinking about that this week, and noting to myself that the doctrine appears to have weakened a lot in the last year or two.

As I understand it, the original argument against radio was that it was an uncontrolled medium in which external forces decided what would emerge from the machine stationed a Christian's home, and such a risk could not be countenanced. But along the way, all electromagnetic waves longer than infrared became demonised ... well, actually, microwave ovens were always acceptable. That never made any sense to me - how could you decide at what wavelength they shifted from innocence to evil? But nevertheless, all kinds of things were banned purely for making waves of the wrong frequency. That seems to have ended now. Radio remotes are OK. Mobile phones are OK, as long as they're from the approved source and carefully crippled. Just another example of deliberate sliding from one emphasis to another, as the original stated reason for banning something is replaced by a convenient alternative reason, which can then be stated to have changed somehow. Still, I can't see radio in the usual sense ever being permitted, as entertainment of any kind is just not a brethren thing.

Oh yes, and one final thing. Fishing. Brethren do not do field sports, and official doctrine says that animals are only to be killed for a reason such as food. Yet I know quite a few brethren who are only to keen to go on fishing expeditions. I've never seen the attraction myself, but having dabbled this last weekend just briefly, I begin to see just a little. Mind you, the water we fished in contained fish who were tragically innocent of the ways of people with rods (maybe something to do with the sign alongside us), and consequently weren't much of a challenge. Another time I hope to do a bit of the sitting-and-doing-nothing type rather than just pulling fish out at will.