People who understand

Having looked at the first tasks on my course, I am amused at their triviality. But then I suppose it's a good plan to ease into these things slowly. One benefit that really struck me this week, though, is that there should at least be some like-minded people on it.

For some while now, a large part of my work has been creating systems to automate jobs for the company, which involves a lot of programming in one way or another, or at least finding solutions to make existing applications do things that they aren't normally meant to. And I like it. A lot. But I feel very frustrated at times that I have nobody to share the difficulties and successes with.

Things have changed quite a lot now, but the legacy of the way technology has been introduced to brethren companies is that most things run on Microsoft Office. These days there is less of a barrier to running whatever software you can justify, but initially that was all there was. And so I have ended up creating Excel spreadsheets, for instance, that act like mini self-contained applications.

But the brethren staff, having no experience of computer use in general, don't bat an eyelid at any of this. The fact that they can't do such things for themselves doesn't mean they think it's difficult - they just assume it's something not too hard that they haven't learned to do. So there's no point presenting a creation that solves a problem in an interesting way, or that took real head-scratching and ingenuity to achieve, and expecting any response other than mild satisfaction if it does something useful.

That's very isolating, in a way. When I finally succeed in cracking a code method that makes a bit of work easier it feels good - but there's nobody I can say that to because none of them understand what the problem was, let alone why the solution is the solution.

The Open University seems quite good in a social sense, in spite of being a distance learning system. There are numerous online forums and regular tutorials, and collaboration is encouraged. I'm hoping that even if the level of the current course is not high, at least I might get a bit of feedback on something that these days takes up quite a lot of my head.

Space from Doubt

I have been intending to return to the subject of people who are utterly certain, and why it is that such people bother me. And then my daily paper contains this gem on a very topical subject:

What makes such a transition psychologically possible for Mr Obama is his easy admission of self-doubt. It was there in his book Dreams from My Father, when he recalled dealing with a pair of white-blaming Chicago pols in his community activist days. “Both Marty and Smalls,” he wrote, “knew that in politics, like religion, power lay in certainty - and that one man's certainty threatens another's. I realised then that I was a heretic. Or worse - for even a heretic must believe in something, if nothing more than the truth of his own doubt.” So Mr Obama doubted the truth of his own doubt, yet obviously didn't find his uncertainty crippling. “You seem like you know what you're doing,” another activist tells him. He replies: “I don't, Mona. I don't have a clue.” That doubt creates a space. The Times 20/01/09

I could turn that around (although maybe with recent brethren history I shouldn't need to) and say that in religion, like politics, power lies in certainty. It is as though the need to expend an effort of belief on something which cannot by proved by reasonable means is a measure of virtue. Nobody admires a person who can lift a helium balloon because it lifts itself, but they do admire a person who can lift a heavy weight. In the same way, admiration seems due to people who most powerfully believe something without facts to back it up.

But personally I like the notion of doubt creating a space. People who claim to have no doubt instantly raise a kind of irritation in me - it feels as though they are confessing to a disability with no clue that it is a disability, more that it is something that sets them apart as superior. Lack of doubt limits one's freedom, just as lack of mobility in a limb does. That aspect of a person is then unable to move.

I suppose that difference of viewpoint is the crux of it. If such true believers didn't think themselves better than others, they wouldn't annoy me. And, come to think of it, it doesn't only apply to religion and politics, either. I'm pretty tolerant in most respects, but people with a touch of arrogance because of something they value but I don't do tend to provoke me to dislike.
Still, returning to that quote, I find it very encouraging that others can see the benefits of a non-fixed view. And the specifics of the person with those values gives me a little hope for the future.

Degree Course Approaching

Suddenly my university course is becoming very real. I have a package of books, a link to my own section of the OU website, a calendar of tutorials, and a mail from the tutor.

So today I spent some time setting up the systems. I must say that the computer side of things is messy, inelegant and confusing - and I say that as someone who is tech-savvy and (OK) geeky. During the process I actually wondered if I was doing the right thing attempting higher education. The subject-matter doesn't worry me but, as it gets closer, the actual education process does. Quite a lot. I never did like education. My memory is of tedium, irrelevance, and waiting for it to finish so I could learn things properly.

And ironically, I am learning a lot of the same sort of subject matter in a very different environment - at work. I had thought that some aspects of programming would remain a mystery until I had some training, but by means of real-life requirements and time to work on them, I have made a number of breakthroughs. It's kind of ironic that I am being paid essentially to learn stuff that makes me more valuable as an employee wherever I go, but I'm very glad of it.

So, even more than before, the university course becomes an experiment in the process of learning rather than an end in itself. And that's fine. I will be very interested to see how it all works, and in the meantime I can call myself an undergraduate.

Thoughts upon a Carol night

Two days back at work, and the holiday is receding in memory. I made the decision to take it easy in non-work time for this week, so I'm sitting back and fiddling with assorted things while periodically refreshing a live feed page of an Apple keynote.

Thinking of stages, presenters and presentation and suchlike, one of the events of the break was a carol concert. I had thought I wouldn't say anything about that, thinking that this blog was in danger of becoming a review site for different churches. However, I have weighed it up a few times since and some things may be worth noting even if only to get them out of my head and down somewhere else.

It was a Baptist church nearby, and the overall ambience was the nearest to a brethren equivalent that I've yet seen. Modern, amplified, and a good mix of ages in the people. I can't say I recall any brethren meetings being led by a youngish woman in a sparkly dress, but I'm talking feel rather than direct likeness.

But getting right to the point of what has been weighing on my mind since, there were a good many people there who had an indefinable equivalence to brethren, and it was something I didn't like. Many people do like it, I know, and the essence of it for me (after much consideration) is that they have an air of certainty. Something in their aura - or at least their manner - says that they have the answer to life's questions, the problems are solved, and nothing can really be big enough to shake them.

A good thing, surely? I know that, when belonging to the brethren, you can regularly meet people who admire that and wish they had it themselves. Still, good thing or not, it rubs me up the wrong way, possibly as much as anything about the brethren. Certainty, to me, presents images of closed doors, plugs pulled, lids shut, interestingness put beyond reach in one way or another. I haven't got space here to explore that theme as I would like to, so I'll return to finish it later ... maybe. It's enough to say for now that anyone who doesn't appear to be humble enough to entertain a smidgen of doubt loses some respect from me (I'm too polite to say so, though).

The only other thing on the downside, on the whole, was that one man was allowed to tell his life history for way too long. OK, we got the message that he was a rotten and inconsiderate man (although successful, of course) and now he's all sorted out due to Christianity. It didn't need a full half hour.

As an event, though, it was thoroughly enjoyable. It took me a carol or two to remember how to sing, but it was great to have an opportunity to sing out loudly in company after so long. I should find ways of doing that more often. And it was nice to be in good company, doing something sociable and community-oriented.

Last Weekend of the Holiday

Into the Sunset, originally uploaded by dhewi.

There are more comments I'd like to make about the break, but I'm taking it easy and allowing myself to become gradually accustomed to the working life again.

A nice way to spend the afternoon on the last weekend before the working year begins again was this, though. Standing on a local hilltop (it was too cold to sit) watching the sun go down. No meetings, no hurry, no agenda, no preparations for visitors, just companionship and beauty.

For once, I went back to work feeling rested and ready for it.

New Year Plunge

Last year felt to me, and still feels in short-term retrospect, like a year of marking time. The year before was full of barely manageable changes, and I think more huge leaps forward would have been unrealistic so soon.

This year may be different, and I hope it is in that respect. With that in mind, they say you should start the year as you would like it to continue.

I'm not sure how much it counts, but I did discover what I think is the best way I have yet found of spending time on New Year's day - open air swimming.

No, I haven't joined the mad people who, it is regularly reported, take dips in midwinter in normal open water. Apparently six thousand people from the Netherlands took a January plunge in the North Sea this year, but that would have been a step too far for me. We opted for a heated open-air pool.

It helps to have one nearby, of course, and this is a public pool open every day of the year. It was amazingly popular on the first morning of the year, but maybe a good many people beat us to the happy discovery of swimming on a cold day. There were a lot of families, some swimming, but more just having fun.

The tricky bit is the cold air between the buildings and the pool, and even more the cold ground. The old hands had dressing gowns and flip-flops (note to self for future). But the water was fine, warmer (if anything) than a regular indoor pool. Not, I would suppose, very environmentally friendly, but a great thing for general human well-being.

It's only in the last year or so that I have ventured into water bigger than a bathtub, as brethren stop swimming before senior school. Fortunately a couple of pool visits was enough to ensure I wouldn't drown in such ventures, and although I still can't really swim properly I do enjoy it. In this case a bit of moderate exertion in comfortable surroundings did wonders, and combining it with fresh air helped enormously too.

I really can't recommend the activity highly enough on a cold holiday morning. Just as long as not so many people get the idea that it gets more crowded than it is already ...