It's been a great Christmas so far, and there is still almost a complete week of holiday to go. Unlike last year, when it was all still too new, I've relaxed and been fairly stress-free about the whole thing.
With the exception of yesterday, when the blues struck at random, as they do sometimes for me.
The thing is that I still miss my family a lot, and I still feel a kind of guilt that I walked out on them. I know I'm not at fault for the doctrine that says that once I'm not in the circle any more they must cut me off, but still I feel deep down as though it was me who initiated the break. And when I did so, it was justified in my mind by all the great things I'd be able to do with my new freedom. And every now and then it hits me that I haven't done those things, and I suddenly feel like I can't justify the hurt of leaving my family.
Life is full, and life is good, no doubt about it. But days, weeks, months go by, and no doubt years will too, and I won't have written a novel, painted the pictures that are in my head, started working full-time at something that fulfils me, travelled the world ... etc etc. And in my rational mind, I know it's unreasonable to expect much of that to happen, if anything. Life is busy enough just living from day to day. That's the crux, really - as long as life is busy, it doesn't worry me. But a few idle days, and the guilt begins to set in: I'm not accomplishing enough, I'm not justifying my freedom. The mental list of things I haven't achieved starts growing in my mind.
In a way, being in the brethren is mentally liberating just because things are decided for you. You may dream of writing and releasing a hit song, for instance, but you are relieved of any need to obsess over it because you know it can't happen - brethren don't do such things and won't allow it to happen. It can remain safely as a dream, with a dream's rosy glow and none of the harsh spikes of reality.
Once out of the brethren, in my case at least, the excuses feel stripped away, and it's my fault alone that I am not doing what I dreamed of before.
Rationally, I should just sit down, look at my list of wishes, and do some addition. Once it is obvious that doing everything would require two lifetimes of thirty-eight hour days, I could cross items off the list and accept that they are never going to happen. This, I am told, is part of growing up. Still, murdering dreams is a harsher action than neglecting them, which I can pretend isn't happening, and so it's a tough thing to do. Until then, I guess I can expect to get very sad every so often.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Into the Educational Yonder
For better or for worse, I have taken some action on the education issue. I have not only signed up for a course, but filled in the forms, written in my card details for payment, and sent it all off. So that's it. I'm studying the first module for a degree in Mathematics and Computing Science. I shall see how I get on with that, and maybe step it up a stage or two once this is complete - some of the future modules dovetail together so they can be studied two at a time ... or maybe I'll hate it or find it all pointless. I don't know. But how else will I find out?
Besides that, on a whim I started investigating MBAs.
To be honest, I find the study of business-related things dull and of questionable utility. But I had a suspicion that it is the only route that puts any value on my life experiences so far, and could offer a leap into postgraduate qualifications in one move, with all the benefits in time saved and prestige gained and so on.
And so it proves. A reputable University, offering distance learning for MBAs, took my CV seriously enough to phone me to talk about my entry onto the programme, and of course send details ... which is where the plan gets holed below the waterline.
An MBA is an extortionate item. Really, a ridiculous amount of money. I can see why, and they all seem to be the same, which proves the point - someone on a decent wage, already in management but wanting to step up, is probably willing to invest quite a lot in something which directly benefits their career. Whether it's worth it is another matter, and honestly, with my lukewarm interest in the subject I have to say I'm not tempted to bet on it.
However, I must say it's done good things for my self-confidence. I like that someone has looked at my CV and said it's worth something and would enable me to skip being an undergraduate.
So at this point I feel able to hold my head up in my current degree-less condition, and study just because I want to, in a subject that suits me. Dilemma squashed, at least for now.
Besides that, on a whim I started investigating MBAs.
To be honest, I find the study of business-related things dull and of questionable utility. But I had a suspicion that it is the only route that puts any value on my life experiences so far, and could offer a leap into postgraduate qualifications in one move, with all the benefits in time saved and prestige gained and so on.
And so it proves. A reputable University, offering distance learning for MBAs, took my CV seriously enough to phone me to talk about my entry onto the programme, and of course send details ... which is where the plan gets holed below the waterline.
An MBA is an extortionate item. Really, a ridiculous amount of money. I can see why, and they all seem to be the same, which proves the point - someone on a decent wage, already in management but wanting to step up, is probably willing to invest quite a lot in something which directly benefits their career. Whether it's worth it is another matter, and honestly, with my lukewarm interest in the subject I have to say I'm not tempted to bet on it.
However, I must say it's done good things for my self-confidence. I like that someone has looked at my CV and said it's worth something and would enable me to skip being an undergraduate.
So at this point I feel able to hold my head up in my current degree-less condition, and study just because I want to, in a subject that suits me. Dilemma squashed, at least for now.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Christening
It seems a while ago now, as I seem to be so busy that I can hardly keep up, but last Sunday I added to my professional photographic experience by doing a christening. Admittedly I was already invited as a guest, but it definitely counts because the parents had to pay an extra fee to the church!
And so the slow but steady trialling of churches and varieties of Christian experience continues.
Leaving aside the photography for now, the whole thing was well worth while. This was another C of E church, not as grand as Hampton Court (obviously) but very well-to-do with a solidly middle-class congregation, and fully kitted out with steeple, grassy surroundings and gravestones outside, and wooden carving, stained glass and pipe organ inside. It was quite cosy, though, with function rooms off the main nave and a play area with toys behind the rows of pews. The principal difference this time was that the vicar was a woman, and so was her assistant.
I have to say that in the case of a christening, having a woman in charge is a splendid idea. I don't know what her services are like in the ordinary way, but this one was great. It's the first time I've felt really comfortable in a religious setting since my brethren days.
It was a double double event, with two families having two children each. They and the godparents all gathered at the front around the vicar, and she also called forward as many of the other children present who wanted to go (which was quite a few). Already that made for a pleasant feeling. Maybe it was a little bit much that a lot of the remaining children spent their time running around the hall and making noise, but even that was much preferable to having them tense and quiet against their will. As it was, it all felt happy - that's the only word I can use there, I think.
The ritual itself was all as set out in standard practice, from what I understand. Yet it didn't feel ritualised, as the vicar gave every sign of enjoying interacting with the children, and they enjoyed her attention in return. And she added unscripted speeches between times, too, part commentary, part teaching, part prayer.
All in all, I felt quite at home, and would be very happy to return. We shall see what happens - I may be disappointed by a normal Sunday.
As a bonus, the pictures came out well, too. And the meal afterwards was delicious from beginning to end, with fascinating company. Now that's what I call a success.
And so the slow but steady trialling of churches and varieties of Christian experience continues.
Leaving aside the photography for now, the whole thing was well worth while. This was another C of E church, not as grand as Hampton Court (obviously) but very well-to-do with a solidly middle-class congregation, and fully kitted out with steeple, grassy surroundings and gravestones outside, and wooden carving, stained glass and pipe organ inside. It was quite cosy, though, with function rooms off the main nave and a play area with toys behind the rows of pews. The principal difference this time was that the vicar was a woman, and so was her assistant.
I have to say that in the case of a christening, having a woman in charge is a splendid idea. I don't know what her services are like in the ordinary way, but this one was great. It's the first time I've felt really comfortable in a religious setting since my brethren days.
It was a double double event, with two families having two children each. They and the godparents all gathered at the front around the vicar, and she also called forward as many of the other children present who wanted to go (which was quite a few). Already that made for a pleasant feeling. Maybe it was a little bit much that a lot of the remaining children spent their time running around the hall and making noise, but even that was much preferable to having them tense and quiet against their will. As it was, it all felt happy - that's the only word I can use there, I think.
The ritual itself was all as set out in standard practice, from what I understand. Yet it didn't feel ritualised, as the vicar gave every sign of enjoying interacting with the children, and they enjoyed her attention in return. And she added unscripted speeches between times, too, part commentary, part teaching, part prayer.
All in all, I felt quite at home, and would be very happy to return. We shall see what happens - I may be disappointed by a normal Sunday.
As a bonus, the pictures came out well, too. And the meal afterwards was delicious from beginning to end, with fascinating company. Now that's what I call a success.
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Please Do Not
I have just discovered that I can send photos to the blog direct from Flickr. This is a happy discovery, probably for no other reason than that I am by nature a geek.
As this is (still, after all this time) an EB-related endeavor, what better picture to test with than this?
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