Getting to know unfamiliarity

This may not make as much sense as I'd like, as I'm battling a headache right now. I have been prone to those this week, which seems to be something to do with my neck. An extra osteopath visit may be required.

Still, my thoughts have been about the perennial puzzle of why ex-brethren feel useless and alien in some circumstances while other "normal" people struggle to see what's so strange. And yes, I'm talking about my own experience, but from conversations it does seem like I'm not the only one.

What eventually occurred to me was that I was thinking about this the wrong way around. In some situations, I feel awkward and odd and don't know what to do. When I say so, I am told not to worry because everyone feels that way, and I've wrestled with why that still leaves me worried. And my conclusion is that it's not that the difference between me and others is that I feel odd and they don't, but that they are used to feeling that way whereas I'm not.

Brethren lead a sheltered life, there's no doubt about that. And for many of us who've left it behind, that was one of the frustrating things we longed to leave. Yet shelter and predictability are habit-forming, and something deep within me expects life to only present me with situations in which I know what is expected - or at least in which I can work out rapidly at a gut level how to act. Rigidity is convenient at an emotional level.

Here on the outside it feels absurd to expect life to be like that. Hence the average person is familiar with unfamiliarity and it must be hard to imagine the kind of life that could lead to normal everyday variation feeling alien. As with so many things, the mind knows that, while something underneath finds it harder to accept.

Most people my age have not experienced everything there is to experience. Yet it is definitely old enough to discover oneself and feel comfortable with a standard set of reactions to the unfamiliar. Whereas I am new to so many things that all I feel able to do is freeze, and that in itself worries me. At least I have a bit more perspective on it these days, and so can watch myself and control the process. Knowing there are understandable reasons does help.