Irrational Magnetism

I still get moments of sadness and loneliness, however grounded and "moved-on" I think I am, and however little reason there is to feel that way. I imagine many in my position feel similarly. In my case it's often linked to being tired, but reasons don't remove the unpleasantness.

In considering the whole thing, one fact became very clear: just because you don't like something, that doesn't mean you won't miss it when it's gone.

I spent many years chafing against the restraints of my life, the hypocrisy, the meaningless rules, and the knowledge that I didn't have to suffer them, that there was a price I could pay and be free, was part of the suffering. Yet, as a thinker, I also had a drive to make sense of what I could. So now I can feel bereft on occasion. Something I knew intimately has gone from my life.

The very restrictions of brethren life make it something easy to rely on. So many aspects of life can be taken for granted, so little thinking is necessary to live from day to day, that I think people (me included) lose the capacity to make sense of liberty. I'm no neurologist, but I should imagine that if London taxi drivers have a larger "map" section in their brain than average, then brethren must have a big chunk devoted all the things that they need to remember to believe and do. Those of us who have abandoned all that need quite a lot of retraining to repurpose those functions.

So yes, I miss something I never liked. Miss it a lot, sometimes. Whatever I thought of it, it was familiar, and the familiar has a strong pull. It pulls harder whenever something knocks my stability, and I can well understand how people succumb to that attraction if temptation coincides with a moment when they're finding life difficult. All that would remain is to put a gloss on the real reasons, find something, anything, that says things would be different on the return to what they were before, and stop insisting on thinking for oneself. Isn't always harder doing something yourself than letting someone else do it?

Nobody needs worry about me, I hasten to say. My life has plenty of fulfilment, and I still don't think I could swallow the transparent nonsense that comes with the stability and financial support. But I'd be fooling myself if I pretended there was no temptation at times.

Secular Wedding

The milestone of a second non-brethren wedding has come round very fast considering all things. I spoke to another ex-brother who hadn't attended even one, having been on the outside more than five times as long.

I could list many differences between this one and the last, quite beyond them being thousands of miles and culturally almost as far apart. The last was thoroughly Catholic, and this one was religion-free. But none of that matters too much.

In spite of knowing one of the happy couple, I was quite apprehensive beforehand. At least on the earlier occasion I could be expected to behave strangely and not fit in, being a foreigner, but I no more knew what to do this time than before even though one of the happy couple was an old friend. On arrival I discovered I had already made one less-than-optimal choice, having dithered between my knowledge that it was a smart occasion and my hatred of the restricted feeling of suits and ties and having plumped for physical comfort rather than fitting in. It was a truly smart occasion, too, with surroundings and trimmings well beyond any of my previous experience. Lovely, extremely enjoyable all round, but slightly unnerving in that I couldn't shake the ghost of a suspicion that someone would suddenly realise that I shouldn't be there.

Yet what made the most impact during the ceremony itself was what seems to be common to all weddings: the naked and genuine emotion on display in the couple, and the tangible wave of warm support from the attendees. It seems hard to eradicate religious feelings from these things, even if religion itself is absent. The best phrase I can think of for it is the old "loving-kindness". Whatever you call it, the room was full of the stuff.

Beyond the ceremony, I started off feeling somewhat overawed (which may be apparent from my earlier comments), and gravitated to the few I recognised and then to other brethren-connected people. Yet I was very happy to find that when we approached groups of others laughing and chatting together like old friends, all we ever found was that they were pleased to make room and make new friends. I can't remember a less cliquey gathering - odd for one taking place in a five-star hotel.

Just to convey that atmosphere for a moment - the interior architecture felt like a playground with my pocket camera in my hand, there were custom decorations for everything from the tabletops to the stair-rails, the food was first-class and never-ending, as was the wine, including what seemed like an unlimited supply of actual champagne (a weakness of mine), there were hats and three-piece suits everywhere, and waiting staff hovered to fulfil any need. There were two different sets of live music performers, and they were brilliant rather than makeweights. For me, all of that could have been alienating, so I am amazed in retrospect that I didn't really feel out of place in the company. I was fairly sure I would.

Apart from everything else, this was not a marriage as such but a civil partnership between two men. I didn't know what difference that would make, not being really familiar with standard weddings either, but it could have been considerable for all I know. As it turned out, I wasn't equipped to judge, because it seemed pretty much the same except there was no bride to act as a focal point. In many ways that's an improvement, I think. I know nothing about the culture, but I am confirmed that generally I really like gay people.

I did wonder what other ex-brethren made of it all, but then those present all came down firmly on the correct side of the liberal/conservative line by definition. Ex-brethren seem to either hang grimly onto their old moral certainties or they make a deliberate effort to open their minds as far as they can. Intellectually, I can still see the validity of the Christian prohibition of homosexuality (dropped quietly into conversation the day before by a committed Catholic), but these days I tend to pay more attention to the gut feeling deep inside that tells me whether something needs looking at on a moral level. Gay people don't move that indicator even by a whisker, and so I can't summon up any worry about it. I would be interested to know how many others are like me, and how many accept homosexuality with an effort as a symbol of their new and hard-won tolerance, given the strength of feeling within the brethren.

Whatever, one thing that was very obvious was that love is love, regardless of the specifics of the two people. I saw many examples during the day, and found it all quite touching.

One other thing I learned that is probably worth mentioning is that many types of people have adversity in common, even if the form of the adversity varies. I was a small cog in the preparation process, and based my contribution on what I know from my life - what else could I do? Yet, once it was suitably cloaked in parable, other people seemed to find their own parallels, such that I felt a fraud because they assumed I knew more than I do. Interpretation is a wonderful thing.

This is an unusually long post, but it felt like a very significant event to me, and I need to get my feelings down while they're still fresh.

Music for Brethren, pt 5

It's been a while since the last of these, as I have grown wary of inflicting my taste in light entertainment on others. However, I have a new release just dripping with familiarity to ex-brethren ears, one way and another.

Beth Rowley's Little Dreamer.

The first song details the various relatives with spiritual skills she cannot blame if her soul is lost. Other songs are called "I shall be released" and "Almost persuaded", and have gospel overtones. Besides being very pleasant music in itself, the connotations gave me goose-pimples. Reason enough to recommend it.

Variations on Enforced Absence

In a sideways sort of way I have described the various stages of disfavour among the brethren before, but today the subject has been raised with me again.

The most obvious difference between the longstanding attitudes to these things and how they are now is that there are so many more blurred edges. It used to be that when there was any kind of action taken against a person, everybody knew where they were and what was expected of them. These days some totally contradictory requirements have been layered on top of the old harsh realities, and that leaves everybody unsettled.

When somebody is shut up, they might not necessarily know that it had happened. One blurred edge is that somebody in trouble might be encouraged to stay away from meetings and other brethren-related activities, without actually formally giving the action a name. Then later, depending on what anyone feels is necessary, they might apply the "shut-up" label retrospectively. These days punishment is a long way from people's thoughts, as the instruction has come down from above that nobody must be seen to be harshly treated or alienated. So actions are taken with the aim of getting the person themselves back on side while demonstrating to everybody else that nothing substandard is being allowed to pass. These days the accused is only ever brought back to a meeting if the verdict is to be favourable - anything else is done in their absence.

The men (always men, of course) who decide these things are known as the priests. Even then it isn't as clear as it was. Myself, I don't appear to have priests. Two men came to see me and talk things through initially, which is classic, but one has hardly been back since, while the other has moved away up country. The usual visitors I get are, I think, self-appointed and unofficial, and therefore don't qualify as priests. Technically, from the brethren's point of view, somebody should be in charge of my case, but I don't know who it might be.

I am shut up now, as far as I know. Even then, though, I have had a lot more contact with various brethren than I would have expected before. Social contact of sorts, although on their terms. What's more, nobody seems worried that I socialise with non-brethren frequently.

I can't comment from experience on being withdrawn from. Certainly it's regarded as the ultimate sanction, undertaken to "protect" the fellowship from somebody who has been proved to be unsuitable. Even so, everyone is very careful to make clear that it is not final, as too many people have got in trouble for abandoning those they have excommunicated. I will be interested to see in due course just how stark the cut-off proves to be once it happens.

Spreading My Wings

The new experiences still come thick and fast. Some, of course, are faster than others, and today's got up to about one hundred and seventy miles per hour at times. Yes folks, courtesy of some generous friends, I flew a plane.

Going to do that brought back memories of dreams I had I think in my early twenties, when I thought I could learn to fly at the aerodrome two or three miles from my parents' house. I don't think I told anyone at the time, and it foundered on the practicalities of paying for it and exactly what someone still (at that point) committed to the brethren lifestyle would do with a pilot's license. Still, I remember dreaming quite hard. The need for a radio may have given me slight pause, but I don't think it ever worried me much. It's kind of hard to remember the way my mind worked back then when I took brethren rules relatively seriously, but maybe that proves I only ever fooled myself that I did.

Back to today. I was not sure what to expect, but thought it would be limited in hands-on time. I also thought that years of controlling machinery of various kinds - bikes, cars, tools, etc - would give me a start. I thought it would be short (the voucher said half an hour). I thought the weather would break.

In the event, our laid-back pilot (casual enough to forget he needed keys to start the plane) showed me roughly what everything did, taxied far enough to do the checks, then asked if I wanted to do the take-off. I was surprised, but said I would, wiggled up the runway and into the air. A plane is basically nothing like a car, and I honestly think that a non-driver would adapt faster. I couldn't help thinking about leaving home last year - I knew it would be difficult, but had spent a long time preparing myself and thinking about what it would take, and even so found the plunge into actually having to do what I'd prepared for almost took more than I had. Life rushes past, and you have to deal with it as it comes. In the case of the plane, it's countryside rushing past, but in the same way it's all hands-on and there's no point saying "hang on, that was just a practice, can I have another go?" At least there's somebody at hand ready to take the controls if the trajectory becomes disastrous.

It will be obvious from my description that when they describe these trips as trial lessons they aren't stretching the truth as I always assumed. I seriously flew that plane a lot of the time, whereas I had thought the punter was fobbed off with a few touches of the controls while the REAL pilot did a lot of flying and condescending talking.

We flew to the South Coast in beautiful weather with clear stunning views, over the Isle of Wight, along the coast and back inland. Before heading back I had to circle over the sea waiting for clearance, first left then right. Once out of the delicate area where several control patches overlapped, we tried a little low flying at about five hundred feet, and some higher flying at around three thousand plus. I'm not sure exactly what went on, as my piece of paper said I was booked for half an hour, but that took a while, and was long enough for one passenger to nap briefly and another to feel ill (not seriously, fortunately). I received a certificate that apparently goes one hour towards a license if I ever decide to take it further.

That was quite an experience, and quite some gift. Another of those milestones that shows what is possible.

Stereotypical Outlook

I was reading an interesting article this week about how stereotypes affect performance. The classic example given (although there were many others) was Asian women in maths tests. When reminded beforehand that Asian people tend to do well in maths tests, they achieved much better results than when they were reminded that women tend to do worse than men.

From what I understood, the point was not about the truth of the stereotype but whether it is one that is accepted at some level in the mind of the person, so I don't need telling that both of the above are controversial.

Apparently the effect is very real, and large enough that a good many researchers have spent time and effort trying to work out why it happens. The article I read leans towards the idea that a person's sense of self can be a hindrance or a help in their cognitive processes, and that group identity can be a part of that. If one considers oneself part of a particular group, and knows that the group has particular strengths and weaknesses, then being aware of that while trying to do something that is affected by one of the perceived weaknesses will set up a conflict in one's mind, and dealing with that conflict takes energy and resources away from the job in hand. By contrast, if one knows that the job fits with a perceived strength, then there will be added motivation and a "sense of flow" for the task which will aid accomplishment.

It sounds reasonable to me, anyway.

The concept immediately made me think of the troubles I've been having myself. At one level, I know I'm capable. At another, I know that brethren have deficiencies compared to the wider world. So I find my outlook and achievements altering depending on which aspect has my attention, and the effect is noticeably worse when I'm in situations where I feel that everything is new and that I am out of my depth, because that's when I am most conscious of the difference between my past and that of others around me. The example worrying me most is that of work - I have never worked full-time for a non-brethren company, and considering the alternative makes me very aware of my ex-brethren status. That, in turn, saps my confidence in myself.

At least it seems there is a simple solution: concentrate on other aspects. The "Asian" side of the "Asian/woman" contradiction, to go back to the original example, and the "capable" side of the "capable/ex-brethren" one. Simple, however, is not the same as easy.

I should imagine that most people who have left restrictive groups, not least the exclusive brethren, find much the same as I do, maybe in other areas. It would be interesting to know how others find it.

Excitement

For once, today everybody at work seemed on the same level. It takes unusual events to make that happen.

In this case, it was an order from a non-existent customer. The company has been bitten by this a few times recently, and it's a good scam. The man phones and places an order for expensive goods to be delivered to a building site on account, giving the name and details of an infrequent but account-holding customer. Then disappears with the goods, leaving the real customer to protest that they had nothing to do with it. Neat, and difficult to prevent without alienating the usual customers who like to be able to order such things without jumping through security hoops.

Today, one of the staff recognised the voice and mobile phone number, even though the man gave a different name and company to before. What's more, the man wanted to pick the goods up. So he got a cheerful "certainly". Then the company he claimed to be representing was phoned, and rapidly after that, the police. With a little badgering, the police were kicked into gear, and sent some officers along in plain clothes. They arrived a little after the miscreant himself, who had been kept waiting with the excuse that the stock needed picking, but once they did arrive they were left to the job while the warehouse staff happily blocked his van in with two forklifts.

Predictably, when confronted from the other side of a counter, the suspect made a break for it, and ran off down the hard shoulder of the dual carriageway hotly pursued by the police whose plain clothes fortunately included trainers, while the company staff goggled from upstairs windows. He had enough of a head start that I doubt they would have caught him if it hadn't been for a Methodist minister in a Land Rover who thought the sight looked odd and pulled in to collar the fleeing criminal. That was the last any of us saw of him as the police procedure was all performed down the road.

However, one of the police came back for their own vehicle and to see to the abandoned van of the arrested man. It had no tax, no insurance, and the license plates were fixed on with elastic bands. Interesting.

What happens now, I have no idea, but it made for light relief from a standard day at work.

There isn't much relevance to the standard theme of this blog, really, except that it made me think that it needs something very odd and external to the usual run of events to overcome the sense of there being two classes of people in the company. That's something I am uniquely qualified to observe as I hover uneasily at the boundary between them. The upper class try hard to remember that I belong to the others, but it's difficult for them except unless something brings it forcefully to mind. And the warehouse staff are very aware that there is a very low glass ceiling that prevents their advancement and any increase in their level of privilege. Only when everybody is strongly focused on something outside, as they were today, do they forget the differences and huddle together in a crowd.

I can't help thinking that it's a good thing to huddle and look outwards occasionally.