Secular Wedding

The milestone of a second non-brethren wedding has come round very fast considering all things. I spoke to another ex-brother who hadn't attended even one, having been on the outside more than five times as long.

I could list many differences between this one and the last, quite beyond them being thousands of miles and culturally almost as far apart. The last was thoroughly Catholic, and this one was religion-free. But none of that matters too much.

In spite of knowing one of the happy couple, I was quite apprehensive beforehand. At least on the earlier occasion I could be expected to behave strangely and not fit in, being a foreigner, but I no more knew what to do this time than before even though one of the happy couple was an old friend. On arrival I discovered I had already made one less-than-optimal choice, having dithered between my knowledge that it was a smart occasion and my hatred of the restricted feeling of suits and ties and having plumped for physical comfort rather than fitting in. It was a truly smart occasion, too, with surroundings and trimmings well beyond any of my previous experience. Lovely, extremely enjoyable all round, but slightly unnerving in that I couldn't shake the ghost of a suspicion that someone would suddenly realise that I shouldn't be there.

Yet what made the most impact during the ceremony itself was what seems to be common to all weddings: the naked and genuine emotion on display in the couple, and the tangible wave of warm support from the attendees. It seems hard to eradicate religious feelings from these things, even if religion itself is absent. The best phrase I can think of for it is the old "loving-kindness". Whatever you call it, the room was full of the stuff.

Beyond the ceremony, I started off feeling somewhat overawed (which may be apparent from my earlier comments), and gravitated to the few I recognised and then to other brethren-connected people. Yet I was very happy to find that when we approached groups of others laughing and chatting together like old friends, all we ever found was that they were pleased to make room and make new friends. I can't remember a less cliquey gathering - odd for one taking place in a five-star hotel.

Just to convey that atmosphere for a moment - the interior architecture felt like a playground with my pocket camera in my hand, there were custom decorations for everything from the tabletops to the stair-rails, the food was first-class and never-ending, as was the wine, including what seemed like an unlimited supply of actual champagne (a weakness of mine), there were hats and three-piece suits everywhere, and waiting staff hovered to fulfil any need. There were two different sets of live music performers, and they were brilliant rather than makeweights. For me, all of that could have been alienating, so I am amazed in retrospect that I didn't really feel out of place in the company. I was fairly sure I would.

Apart from everything else, this was not a marriage as such but a civil partnership between two men. I didn't know what difference that would make, not being really familiar with standard weddings either, but it could have been considerable for all I know. As it turned out, I wasn't equipped to judge, because it seemed pretty much the same except there was no bride to act as a focal point. In many ways that's an improvement, I think. I know nothing about the culture, but I am confirmed that generally I really like gay people.

I did wonder what other ex-brethren made of it all, but then those present all came down firmly on the correct side of the liberal/conservative line by definition. Ex-brethren seem to either hang grimly onto their old moral certainties or they make a deliberate effort to open their minds as far as they can. Intellectually, I can still see the validity of the Christian prohibition of homosexuality (dropped quietly into conversation the day before by a committed Catholic), but these days I tend to pay more attention to the gut feeling deep inside that tells me whether something needs looking at on a moral level. Gay people don't move that indicator even by a whisker, and so I can't summon up any worry about it. I would be interested to know how many others are like me, and how many accept homosexuality with an effort as a symbol of their new and hard-won tolerance, given the strength of feeling within the brethren.

Whatever, one thing that was very obvious was that love is love, regardless of the specifics of the two people. I saw many examples during the day, and found it all quite touching.

One other thing I learned that is probably worth mentioning is that many types of people have adversity in common, even if the form of the adversity varies. I was a small cog in the preparation process, and based my contribution on what I know from my life - what else could I do? Yet, once it was suitably cloaked in parable, other people seemed to find their own parallels, such that I felt a fraud because they assumed I knew more than I do. Interpretation is a wonderful thing.

This is an unusually long post, but it felt like a very significant event to me, and I need to get my feelings down while they're still fresh.