Sunday night of the week following the return from holiday, with work in the morning, and I might be expected to feel just a little bit down. In spite of daylight saving time, darkness has fallen, and light is streaming in the front windows from the deserted playing fields of the school a few hundred yards away, and it kind of emphasises the darkness and the fact that the house holds only me, now.
Probably, actually, I wouldn't be feeling any different to usual at this time - being alone is normally fine, things generally are going well, and I've been enjoying going through holiday photos and printing a few out - but I've been unsettled again by the work situation.
On Friday I had another set of unsubtle hints that I am expected to leave my job, accompanied by the strong sense that I am being unreasonable in not quietly disappearing from sight. No more need be said about that, except that I detest confrontation of any kind, especially if it involves standing up for myself, and consequently I got home feeling somewhat churned up. At the insistence of someone with my best interests at heart I painfully wrote down my take on the situation and sent it to work today. So tomorrow is a worry. No doubt things will become clear one way or another.
But each time these things happen I become freshly unsure that I have what it takes to stand alone in this world. Not that I think I'm incapable - I have a fairly clear idea of my strengths - but just that staying afloat seems to take a certain appetite for confrontation and insisting on one's rights, and nothing is more likely to tempt me to opt out. Life is not easy.
3 comments:
For me, my desire to leave them would be far stronger than their desire for me to leave, but I accept that there may be reasons for you to NEED to stay there, indeed even WANT to. So, difficult though it is, try not to be intimidated by them, and if you do want/need to leave, leave on your terms and not theirs. You have my every sympathy though. But it's great to hear that you are not being dictated to by them. They are not used to NOT dictating terms and conditions.
I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. (Excuse grammar).
Forty years ago I considered it really tough being separated from my family - and it was tough believe you me - but I persevered.
As all of us (who are observing your progress) have done.
You probably have more friends outside now than in.
Whenever I was tempted to go back, I could never construct a scenario in which I would not want to leave again. I knew I couldn't sit through those endless meetings without betraying my insincerity.
While I don't miss the meetings, I do miss my parents and siblings. I miss the sense of belonging and the family stories.
Over the years I have had enough encounters with family members to know that no matter how much I may desire it, my siblings have been so conditioned towards me (as well as towards all non-brethren) that there can never be a reconciliation. We have all lost our innocence.
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