Too close to see

I often wonder how many of my reactions and emotions are a result, at least partially, of my brethren background, and how much is just me. Speaking to other ex-brethren sheds a little bit of light, but we do all vary quite a lot and I don't have a huge sample set so as to draw definitive conclusions.

The next question is, if a particular life problem can be traced back to a particular cause - in this case, the brethren - how much help is it to know that?

A good few years ago now, when I first got connected to the internet as a still naive brethren member (no active rebellion was intended at the time - I needed a connection to activate important software. And yes, I know I wasn't allowed any such thing) with no plans to do more than be a bit dissatisfied with brethren life, it only took a few days before it occurred to me that I was now in a position to see what the world of the web said about my community. Already at that stage brethren would whisper in shocked awe about the internet and how wicked people had seen to it that all the brethren's secrets were there and could never be removed. A quick check soon showed me that there was no massive online repository of ministry, and no conspiracy of all-knowing villains cooking up plots and misinformation against the brethren. Ironically, the brethren's own actions have since led to the reality coming a little closer to their dreads, but that's beside the point.

What I did discover was a semi-accidental meeting place for many who were starved of news about people who had been important to them and very short on connections to anyone in a similar position. Then, as now, emotions tended to run high and there was a lot of negativity due to the brethren-related troubles in everybody's lives. That shocked me at the time, and I felt compelled to ask why so many people were unable to leave the brethren behind them and get on with their lives. Why, I wondered, if anyone was miserable enough within the brethren to leave, would they stay miserable by obsessing over the past and remaining fascinated by current brethren affairs?

That question started a long and fruitful correspondence, but that's another and more private story.

Several times recently I've seen people with less intimate knowledge of what it's like to be ex-brethren clearly wondering much the same thing. Personally I have been losing the feeling of shock I had then, but I think it's helpful to stand back now and then and remember what it looked like. There are ways in which a less-informed viewpoint can be very useful indeed. I tend to wince whenever I hear a non-brethren person told that they can't understand because they were never part of it.

Having discussed this already this week, several thoughts crossed my mind. One is that some parts of having left the brethren are like an ache - it may not be a huge pain, but the fact that it's constant and can't be cured makes it harder to deal with than a brief agony in some ways. So anyone trying to understand the problem by looking at things as they are must necessarily miss the long grinding-down process that wears away the ability to look rationally at it. Another is that an outside view may be more accurate, but there are difficulties involved in being helpful and communicating that view. People suffering a trauma probably know, intellectually, that they would be better off if they could put it behind them, and hearing someone say so doesn't much help. Nor, actually, does it make it less true.

And one thing brings me round to the beginning again. If I decide that even one problem in my life is all the fault of the brethren, it's very tempting to conclude that as it isn't my fault it also isn't my responsibility. That's comforting, in that it lets me off the hook, but it doesn't fix anything and I'll still be stuck with the same problem years from now. It's better, I think, if harder, to take a good hard look and identify what aspects are down to me.