The brethren believe they're better than everyone else.
Well, actually that isn't quite accurate. Nobody believes in their
kitchen table: it's there, it's obvious, and nobody needs to believe
in it. They take it for granted. The same applies with brethren
superiority. It's the starting point for all interaction of any
kind.
I read an article recently on why the Danes seem to be the happiest
people on Earth, and one reason put forward was much the same - that
they consider Danishness to be a superior state of being. That makes
for a certain amount of xenophobia and difficulty in the country in
some ways, but apparently the common society values more than make
up for it as a place to live.
The brethren are kind of similar, except that the attitude is
boosted exponentially by the conviction that the superiority is
God-given. It can also lead to a kind of schizophrenia in the ones
who are aware of deficiencies (which is many), because they
simultaneously believe that they are in the best community in
existence and can see things which are bad in one way or another.
Everybody has their own way of dealing with that, whether they go to
enormous lengths never to have to consider it, go all-out for
denial, or rationalise it in whatever way they can.
It does help to remember that when dealing with them. The key thing
is that criticism, implied or straight, is going to clash with their
root assumptions and nobody likes that.
Depending on the circumstances, it may be OK to criticise specifics.
Only the most blinkered of brethren refuse to admit to any
imperfections. What few can deal with is any suggestion that the
totality might be in any way at fault. That clashes with such deeply
held beliefs that the only possible conclusion is that the
suggestion must be wrong even without examination of what has been
said. If it is then insisted upon, the insistence reflects back on
the person doing it, who must be anywhere between misled and evil.
Complicating matters is that such criticism is held to be exactly
the same as criticising God Himself in their eyes. No matter that
anybody else would regard that as a separate step, and an arguable
one. They won't see the difference.
That explains the extreme reactions to what brethren perceive as
attack - it isn't rational or part of a master-plan, just the
outrage of people who've had the very foundations of their worldview
questioned and can't handle it. It also explains the strained
relations between family-members within the brethren and outside,
because the very act of leaving the brethren is about as strong a
criticism as anybody could make.
When people discover my background, one of the first things they
wonder is why I don't have more contact with my family. I have never
managed to explain to anyone's satisfaction that it isn't really to
do with rules, but a matter of hurt. By leaving, I have said to them
that something they consider to be a part of their essence, and
something they most value, is worth nothing to me. Blood ties are
strong, but lesser things than that can pull families apart.
I can see the varying degrees of contact with my family in that
light. Relations are best with those who feel a more pragmatic
connection with the brethren, and therefore accept my situation as
simply different from theirs in that it works for them and didn't
for me. Relations are also OK, interestingly, with those who never
question the whole brethren-thing, as they remain mystified by my
actions rather than upset. For the remainder, who have to work all
the time at resolving their worries and beliefs, every contact with
me rubs away at a rawness in them, and they would sooner not have to
deal with it.
2 comments:
Interesting. I have sometimes thought the stress of holding various contradictory beliefs might go a long way to explain why some Brethren are uncomfortable when chatting to non-Brethren about religious topics: maybe it heightens their awareness of the contradictions. Psychologists sometimes call this kind of stress cognitive dissonance.
Personally, I find it almost impossible to believe two contradictory things at once, even if I try, but some people seem to be able to do it. I know a chap who seems to believe in evolution when he is chatting about birds, but doesn’t believe in it when he is preaching. The same chap believes in a Palaeolithic age when he is talking about history, but not when he is discussing the Bible.
Your description of Brethren’s reactions to criticism agrees with my experience, and it poses quite a dilemma for people who desperately want them to mend their ways. If we criticise, they cut off contact; if we don’t criticise, then how can we encourage them to reform? Either way, they continue as before.
Maybe a gentle, persistent campaign of education would eventually work.
I'm sure cognitive dissonance is a large part of the problem. In fact I avoid the phrase as a matter of principle, otherwise it would get overused in these musings! So much leads back to thoughts that jar with each other in one way or another.
My own working approach to the question of how to improve things is simple and unambitious: when something affects me, and it's an improvement, I try hard to make sure it works. So if somebody is willing to visit me without preaching, or invite me to their place, I go, and converse in a friendly way about whatever is possible without rubbing them up the wrong way. When technology was introduced at work, I did my best to get it functioning as well as possible within the arbitrary rules. As they're willing to keep employing me in spite of my ex-brethren status, I make sure I don't rub their noses in that position.
The brethren change a lot as time goes on - it's one of the most remarkable things about them. My view is that I can't force change, but if I can do anything to smooth any little good changes that occur, it will make it slightly less likely that those changes will be rolled back, and more likely that things will ease in that direction further.
Sadly for those who feel very strongly about things, my approach only works if you can hold back and set your sights low. It will never bring the system crashing down. But that isn't my way, so I'm OK with it.
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