A Fresh Year

It's less surprising than it seems, I suppose, but 2008 is here already.

For me, at least, last year was very eventful, with probably the biggest changes of my life. And the changes are only halfway yet, at most, I feel, so this year is another journey. After a long time in which milestones of time came and went accompanied by varying levels of frustration that other kinds of milestone remained as much in the distance as ever, that is a good thing. Finally I have the sense of being personally stretched and put to the test.

Not that there's been much stretching over the holiday period, mind you, other than a short introduction to Yoga. But there has been time for reflection, and a renewing of energy, ready for new developments - and I am quite sure those will come. I have had many blogworthy thoughts, too, which may well appear in due course.

In the last six months, I have learned a lot about things I had only thought about before. Life is both easier and harder than I anticipated. It is easier to merely survive, yet harder to realise life goals. It is easier to keep up with necessities, and harder to make time for the ought-to-do things. It has been easier to find good friends and relationships, yet harder to make sense of my family. It's easier to please others, and harder to please myself.

As the new year starts, my position with the brethren is still somewhat one of limbo. I expect that to change before too long. Some kind of decision will have to be made, and it can only really be that they conclude I am beyond reach. One of the shocks to the heart, if not the head, has been to see how their attitudes and behaviour change as their perception of what they can achieve with a person alters. There are honorable exceptions to that, but generally I appear to have become less of a human being as I become more of a problem. That has meant that at times, as I feel hurt by that, I have drifted close to the bitterness I swore to avoid. One resolution for this year is to strive to continue seeing the good where it exists.

Relations with my family are better than I expected but a lot worse than I hoped. Maybe that will change for the better as they come to terms with my hurtful decision, and maybe it will be worse as my official status changes. Seeing my parents just before Christmas, I was relieved that the meeting was polite and free from emotional trauma, but also a bit troubled by exactly the same things. That situation, I feel, is a very long-term one, more amenable to decade-long resolutions than just new year's.

It feels, now, as though I have given myself a couple of months' break, besides the relaxation of the holiday time. So the main resolution for now is to stop looking back at the changes I have made, and start taking action on what there is still to do. The time for letting things happen is past, and the time for taking control is here.

Those who know me will be surprised by that. My resolution takes the form of "I suppose I should try to be more definite".

And so I shall.