Thoughts upon a Carol night

Two days back at work, and the holiday is receding in memory. I made the decision to take it easy in non-work time for this week, so I'm sitting back and fiddling with assorted things while periodically refreshing a live feed page of an Apple keynote.

Thinking of stages, presenters and presentation and suchlike, one of the events of the break was a carol concert. I had thought I wouldn't say anything about that, thinking that this blog was in danger of becoming a review site for different churches. However, I have weighed it up a few times since and some things may be worth noting even if only to get them out of my head and down somewhere else.

It was a Baptist church nearby, and the overall ambience was the nearest to a brethren equivalent that I've yet seen. Modern, amplified, and a good mix of ages in the people. I can't say I recall any brethren meetings being led by a youngish woman in a sparkly dress, but I'm talking feel rather than direct likeness.

But getting right to the point of what has been weighing on my mind since, there were a good many people there who had an indefinable equivalence to brethren, and it was something I didn't like. Many people do like it, I know, and the essence of it for me (after much consideration) is that they have an air of certainty. Something in their aura - or at least their manner - says that they have the answer to life's questions, the problems are solved, and nothing can really be big enough to shake them.

A good thing, surely? I know that, when belonging to the brethren, you can regularly meet people who admire that and wish they had it themselves. Still, good thing or not, it rubs me up the wrong way, possibly as much as anything about the brethren. Certainty, to me, presents images of closed doors, plugs pulled, lids shut, interestingness put beyond reach in one way or another. I haven't got space here to explore that theme as I would like to, so I'll return to finish it later ... maybe. It's enough to say for now that anyone who doesn't appear to be humble enough to entertain a smidgen of doubt loses some respect from me (I'm too polite to say so, though).

The only other thing on the downside, on the whole, was that one man was allowed to tell his life history for way too long. OK, we got the message that he was a rotten and inconsiderate man (although successful, of course) and now he's all sorted out due to Christianity. It didn't need a full half hour.

As an event, though, it was thoroughly enjoyable. It took me a carol or two to remember how to sing, but it was great to have an opportunity to sing out loudly in company after so long. I should find ways of doing that more often. And it was nice to be in good company, doing something sociable and community-oriented.

Last Weekend of the Holiday

Into the Sunset, originally uploaded by dhewi.

There are more comments I'd like to make about the break, but I'm taking it easy and allowing myself to become gradually accustomed to the working life again.

A nice way to spend the afternoon on the last weekend before the working year begins again was this, though. Standing on a local hilltop (it was too cold to sit) watching the sun go down. No meetings, no hurry, no agenda, no preparations for visitors, just companionship and beauty.

For once, I went back to work feeling rested and ready for it.

New Year Plunge

Last year felt to me, and still feels in short-term retrospect, like a year of marking time. The year before was full of barely manageable changes, and I think more huge leaps forward would have been unrealistic so soon.

This year may be different, and I hope it is in that respect. With that in mind, they say you should start the year as you would like it to continue.

I'm not sure how much it counts, but I did discover what I think is the best way I have yet found of spending time on New Year's day - open air swimming.

No, I haven't joined the mad people who, it is regularly reported, take dips in midwinter in normal open water. Apparently six thousand people from the Netherlands took a January plunge in the North Sea this year, but that would have been a step too far for me. We opted for a heated open-air pool.

It helps to have one nearby, of course, and this is a public pool open every day of the year. It was amazingly popular on the first morning of the year, but maybe a good many people beat us to the happy discovery of swimming on a cold day. There were a lot of families, some swimming, but more just having fun.

The tricky bit is the cold air between the buildings and the pool, and even more the cold ground. The old hands had dressing gowns and flip-flops (note to self for future). But the water was fine, warmer (if anything) than a regular indoor pool. Not, I would suppose, very environmentally friendly, but a great thing for general human well-being.

It's only in the last year or so that I have ventured into water bigger than a bathtub, as brethren stop swimming before senior school. Fortunately a couple of pool visits was enough to ensure I wouldn't drown in such ventures, and although I still can't really swim properly I do enjoy it. In this case a bit of moderate exertion in comfortable surroundings did wonders, and combining it with fresh air helped enormously too.

I really can't recommend the activity highly enough on a cold holiday morning. Just as long as not so many people get the idea that it gets more crowded than it is already ...

Leisure Blues

It's been a great Christmas so far, and there is still almost a complete week of holiday to go. Unlike last year, when it was all still too new, I've relaxed and been fairly stress-free about the whole thing.

With the exception of yesterday, when the blues struck at random, as they do sometimes for me.

The thing is that I still miss my family a lot, and I still feel a kind of guilt that I walked out on them. I know I'm not at fault for the doctrine that says that once I'm not in the circle any more they must cut me off, but still I feel deep down as though it was me who initiated the break. And when I did so, it was justified in my mind by all the great things I'd be able to do with my new freedom. And every now and then it hits me that I haven't done those things, and I suddenly feel like I can't justify the hurt of leaving my family.

Life is full, and life is good, no doubt about it. But days, weeks, months go by, and no doubt years will too, and I won't have written a novel, painted the pictures that are in my head, started working full-time at something that fulfils me, travelled the world ... etc etc. And in my rational mind, I know it's unreasonable to expect much of that to happen, if anything. Life is busy enough just living from day to day. That's the crux, really - as long as life is busy, it doesn't worry me. But a few idle days, and the guilt begins to set in: I'm not accomplishing enough, I'm not justifying my freedom. The mental list of things I haven't achieved starts growing in my mind.

In a way, being in the brethren is mentally liberating just because things are decided for you. You may dream of writing and releasing a hit song, for instance, but you are relieved of any need to obsess over it because you know it can't happen - brethren don't do such things and won't allow it to happen. It can remain safely as a dream, with a dream's rosy glow and none of the harsh spikes of reality.

Once out of the brethren, in my case at least, the excuses feel stripped away, and it's my fault alone that I am not doing what I dreamed of before.

Rationally, I should just sit down, look at my list of wishes, and do some addition. Once it is obvious that doing everything would require two lifetimes of thirty-eight hour days, I could cross items off the list and accept that they are never going to happen. This, I am told, is part of growing up. Still, murdering dreams is a harsher action than neglecting them, which I can pretend isn't happening, and so it's a tough thing to do. Until then, I guess I can expect to get very sad every so often.

Into the Educational Yonder

For better or for worse, I have taken some action on the education issue. I have not only signed up for a course, but filled in the forms, written in my card details for payment, and sent it all off. So that's it. I'm studying the first module for a degree in Mathematics and Computing Science. I shall see how I get on with that, and maybe step it up a stage or two once this is complete - some of the future modules dovetail together so they can be studied two at a time ... or maybe I'll hate it or find it all pointless. I don't know. But how else will I find out?

Besides that, on a whim I started investigating MBAs.

To be honest, I find the study of business-related things dull and of questionable utility. But I had a suspicion that it is the only route that puts any value on my life experiences so far, and could offer a leap into postgraduate qualifications in one move, with all the benefits in time saved and prestige gained and so on.

And so it proves. A reputable University, offering distance learning for MBAs, took my CV seriously enough to phone me to talk about my entry onto the programme, and of course send details ... which is where the plan gets holed below the waterline.

An MBA is an extortionate item. Really, a ridiculous amount of money. I can see why, and they all seem to be the same, which proves the point - someone on a decent wage, already in management but wanting to step up, is probably willing to invest quite a lot in something which directly benefits their career. Whether it's worth it is another matter, and honestly, with my lukewarm interest in the subject I have to say I'm not tempted to bet on it.

However, I must say it's done good things for my self-confidence. I like that someone has looked at my CV and said it's worth something and would enable me to skip being an undergraduate.

So at this point I feel able to hold my head up in my current degree-less condition, and study just because I want to, in a subject that suits me. Dilemma squashed, at least for now.

Christening

It seems a while ago now, as I seem to be so busy that I can hardly keep up, but last Sunday I added to my professional photographic experience by doing a christening. Admittedly I was already invited as a guest, but it definitely counts because the parents had to pay an extra fee to the church!

And so the slow but steady trialling of churches and varieties of Christian experience continues.

Leaving aside the photography for now, the whole thing was well worth while. This was another C of E church, not as grand as Hampton Court (obviously) but very well-to-do with a solidly middle-class congregation, and fully kitted out with steeple, grassy surroundings and gravestones outside, and wooden carving, stained glass and pipe organ inside. It was quite cosy, though, with function rooms off the main nave and a play area with toys behind the rows of pews. The principal difference this time was that the vicar was a woman, and so was her assistant.

I have to say that in the case of a christening, having a woman in charge is a splendid idea. I don't know what her services are like in the ordinary way, but this one was great. It's the first time I've felt really comfortable in a religious setting since my brethren days.

It was a double double event, with two families having two children each. They and the godparents all gathered at the front around the vicar, and she also called forward as many of the other children present who wanted to go (which was quite a few). Already that made for a pleasant feeling. Maybe it was a little bit much that a lot of the remaining children spent their time running around the hall and making noise, but even that was much preferable to having them tense and quiet against their will. As it was, it all felt happy - that's the only word I can use there, I think.

The ritual itself was all as set out in standard practice, from what I understand. Yet it didn't feel ritualised, as the vicar gave every sign of enjoying interacting with the children, and they enjoyed her attention in return. And she added unscripted speeches between times, too, part commentary, part teaching, part prayer.

All in all, I felt quite at home, and would be very happy to return. We shall see what happens - I may be disappointed by a normal Sunday.

As a bonus, the pictures came out well, too. And the meal afterwards was delicious from beginning to end, with fascinating company. Now that's what I call a success.

Please Do Not

Please Do Not, originally uploaded by dhewi.

I have just discovered that I can send photos to the blog direct from Flickr. This is a happy discovery, probably for no other reason than that I am by nature a geek.

As this is (still, after all this time) an EB-related endeavor, what better picture to test with than this?