I have been pondering what seems to be strange behaviour on my part.
When explaining my family situation to people who know nothing of my background, a situation which also includes friends who used to be very close, the reactions tend to range from incredulous to just plain puzzled. Besides finding it hard to understand why such a cut-off condition should occur at all, people also wonder why I accept it on the brethren's terms instead of trying to do something about it. I mean, obviously these people mean something to me - why let them dictate the terms of our relationship?
What I concluded today was that it is a no-win situation when you're dealing with unpleasant factors around people you care for. If somebody declares that they want nothing to do with me, and I would like it to be otherwise, then all the power is in their hands, regardless of their reasons.
Because I care for a certain set of people, I respect and take account of their feelings, however hurtful and disagreeable they may be. The only people I would be possibly prepared to hurt by confronting them with their errors and forcing them to behave differently would be those who I don't respect and like. And if the point at issue is whether I can spend time with them, then that disqualifies the effort, because why would I do that for such people? It's a classic paradox.
It's a problem with no solution, and the only way of dealing with it is to find a way of making peace with things as they are. Which looks like a lack of caring to some people, but is very far from it.
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3 comments:
You never cease to amaze me with your good grace. Although the pain & hurt must be real, bitterness isn't your style.
Family seem to be more important to us as we get older. In the long term, do you think resentment could develop when extended family relationships are missed? Perhaps, as an example, if children can not know and enjoy the special bond with grandparents?
Maybe there is a way of helping people to discover their errors without being confrontational and without hurting them. For example, by keeping lines of communication open and dropping the occasional thought-provoking fact, but not trying to corner them with irrefutable arguments, or putting pressure on them to change. It is a long-term strategy, of course.
I HATE quoting scripture at people, especially when it's about something that I struggle to do successfully myself. But I agree with Ian's "long-term strategy" idea. For me, this time-honoured verse has resonance (yes, I guess it's about God or Jesus or someone, but I reckon it also applies to constancy of friendship, among us ordinary types):
Behold, I stand at the door and am knocking; if any one hear my voice and open the door, I will come in unto him and sup with him, and he with me. (Rev3:20, Darby)
Further note from the pomkiwi concordance: It's "am knocking"... not just "have knocked timorously only the once, and then sloped off and said b****r the lot of you".
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