Necessary Desires

I had never really thought I would need to ask myself this question, but it turns out that I do:

What do I want out of life?

It's a query that I think many ex-brethren are ill-equipped to answer of themselves, although I'm a bit cloudy as to the exact reasons for that. It may be partly to do with the teaching that our own desires are not only irrelevant but something to be fought against and overcome. When you grow up in an atmosphere where that is taken for granted, you find ways of concealing the nature of your desires even from yourself, hiding them behind more complicated reasons.

One simple example would be the purchase of a new car. It isn't enough to simply want one and to have the resources to do so. The purchase will be because the business demands a certain degree of newness, the family needs more space, it's more efficient to have a car with a warranty ... and so on. These are not just reasons given to others, but I think most will really believe them.

Similarly, a day out will be for the sake of the children, or because somebody needs a break. A good christian shouldn't want anything at all, not even a day with his family - although as a good christian he should be looking after them, and that may include such days.

The doctrine is that saved sinners have forfeited the right to any desires of their own, and that, in practice, happiness is found by controlling one's desires rather than fulfilling them.

So, if I've been told all my life that "wants" are a sign of insufficient christianity and poor character besides, how can I now deal realistically with my plans for the future? The honest answer is "with difficulty".

I do still believe to some extent that happiness comes most from not seeking it too hard, and that self-indulgence is very definitely not the way to it. Yet I have also come to believe that even those who claim to do nothing for themselves are still following their own desires, whether they know it or not. At some level, the satisfaction they get from bypassing their own superficial wants outweighs the downsides of doing so.

But those of us who have left the mental straightjacket behind have a kind of obligation to look at things more clearly and honestly. If I find that I do get the most out of denying myself, then I can continue to be comfortable doing so. If, however, I am merely doing so in order to fit into an image I have of myself, then I am storing up mental conflict, which is unhealthy.

I don't plan to turn self-obsessed overnight. But I feel quite strongly that it is time to look at the various aspects of my life, and think about whether each thing is needed, or whether it is really something I want, or merely a hang-up. It has started with small things, and just the awareness of the process has helped me to say "no" on occasion. As I get to grips, I may find out more, and graduate to the larger issues of life.