Without any doubt at all, I have experienced an attitude shift. It hurts, really, and I am thankful that I have loving support elsewhere, and that I am able to step back and regard the process as a fascinating education, intellectually, which helps with the emotional side.
It seems that the brethren, and particularly those who remain relatively close, are beginning to accept, at last, that I am not likely to return. What surprises me a bit is how personally they take it. Their beliefs are so entwined with their self-image that they cannot conceive that a rejection of their lifestyle might not be a rejection of them personally. Saying so is wasted because they can't take it in and hardly seem to hear it.
Last night I was treated to a lengthy analogy of my situation when I spoke about not knowing where the boundaries of contact were. Suppose, I was told, I was married and conducted an adulterous affair. Would I expect my wife to treat me the same as before and happily share the time I could spare her from my affair? Or even greet me cordially and continue to share news?
They hastened to say, of course, that they didn't see me that way, but it left a nasty feeling that it wouldn't take much for it to go in that direction.
That analogy reveals a lot, I think. For brethren, it is impossible to share a person without sharing their opinions. Their opinions, in some sense, are who they feel themselves to be. If I engage in some activity they do not approve of, it seems to remain their business whatever my stated position, because they somehow feel each action is taken against them. So this recent development is apparently a result of me choosing to socialise with non-brethren - it doesn't matter that my only choices for socialising are non-brethren or nobody. My choice of non-brethren is felt to be a specific and hurtful rejection of the brethren.
That, then, appears also to justify being hurtful in return, in the painful and semi-spiteful way that people who deep down love each other can be when they feel slighted.
It does show how powerless I am to make things better from my side. If my life, lived normally, morally and enjoyably by common standards, is a continual prodding of the brethren's sore points, no amount of soothing words from me will change how they feel. If I knew - for sure - that disappearing from sight would make them feel better, I'd do it, however painful it would be to experience complete shut-out. But still I'm unsure what to do for the best.
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I readily appreciate this might be a sensitive time right now, but if I can be so bold as to paraphrase the analogy.
This sounds classic brethren blackmail. If you leave, you hurt the ones that love you most. Family and close friends.
What they are incapable of thinking is that it is actually the other way around - in my opinion. As you say, their "self image".
By cutting off a family member, it is, in reality, themselves who are inflicting the hurt upon themselves and to the person to whom they inflict the separation.
My reason for saying this is that I would gladly have shared a handshake with my siblings, shared a cup of tea etc., as I had no problem with their beliefs.
It is their fixed view on separation that causes the hurt. Not yours.
How monolithic is the Exclusive Brethren fellowship? Surely there is some diversity of opinion and concern. They can't all live by the say-so of other people. Are there not some who can think for themselves?
Yesterday I watched a drama-documentary about the Jonestown massacre. Two things leapt out at me amid the dreadful carnage. First, it was said by his son (who had managed to escape) that Jim Jones knew he was a fraud and that it was his (Jim Jones's) terror at being exposed as such that was the trigger for the mass murder. Second, his son commented that the most important thing to a cult member was the good opinion of other cult followers.
Do you consider these factors apply to the Exclusive Brethren, I wonder? Are there any members who know they are frauds? And does the good opinion of fellow Brethren members always override every other consideration?
Survivor, I'm sorry you're being hurt; there is no cure, IMO, while EB separation policy remains as it is. Thankfully, you're experiencing the salve of loving support elsewhere... otherwise it can be nearly too much to take. Hugs to you, friend.
Even in some nonEB families when one member holds contrary opinions, I notice the fallout can become extremely painful... in many families, a member's decision to follow a different lifepath somehow is seen as an affront to the family unit. Hurt feelings and sometimes permanent damage all round!
You say "If I knew - for sure - that disappearing from sight would make them feel better, I'd do it, however painful..."
I think the 'disappearance route' certainly makes our EB parents/loved ones more comfortable in the short-term... it was the option I ended up choosing, after I left.
Two decades later though, I look back and regret the gap that opened up during the years I didn't see hardly anything of my family. Disappearing helpfully from their lives certainly made the stoopid EB separation rules *bearable* at the time, for both sides. However the years apart have proved impossible to bridge with my dad (mum copes much better), since I had my kids and started to see a little more of my parents, by choice. (I should also partly credit the EB 2002 'review'... which for some unknown reason has freed Mother to now invite me indoors when I visit, which makes it comfier all round, and easier when visiting with kids.)
I HATE this part of leaving the peebs, that you're starting to go through; it's indescribably painful. There is no one-size-fits-all way of handling it... apart from the thing I think ALL exEB do at some point, which is cry inside. It's a complete bastard of a situation, caused - as George said - entirely by the EB view on separation. Jesus wept.
It's hard to believe these are grown-up adults playing this secret club game. Their rule is that in the long run you have to be either in or out. In the short run they will tolerate some ambiguity, but they won't let it continue.
I've read that the Seventh Day Adventists tend to be exclusive - not by mandate but more as a result of their heavy schedule. The brethren used to be that way - pre-Jim Taylor.
The best advice I can give to deal with the pain of separation is an old one - this too shall pass.
see www.peebs.ca for further details!
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