I think I have said before that one of my prime reasons for moving on from the brethren is that it was the only way to open up the way to relationships and settling down. Partly, as I said then, that's because of the dynamics of such things within the fellowship, which renders most options unattractive, but there is more.
Among the brethren, marriage is a defining point in life, not just personally but in terms of one's relationship with the wider whole. Nobody marries without approval, and approval is not given unless there is reasonable evidence that the individuals are good members of the community.
Then, a specific commitment to the way of life is included in the wedding vows. The form varies from place to place, but the version I recall being tacked on to the legally binding words is as follows:
"And I commit myself to uphold in our household the truth and scriptural principles as held among the brethren and set out in the ministries of the great men, with which I am in complete agreement."
The problem with that is that when you're standing in front of a large number of brethren, all gazing rapt at the bride and groom, they can see if you have your fingers crossed when you say it.
Even if the commitment was not made so specific, a reasonable person would take it as a given. After all, when one takes on joint responsibility for a household, and the likelihood of children, it ceases to become a matter for individual conscience whether one agrees with the system that household is set up in. One has to consider the opinions and feelings of the persons one is committed to.
Besides that, there is a fair amount of psychological study which says that people have a strong obligation to stay consistent with their public pronouncements. If you've declared before a hundred or more people that you're happy with their rules and beliefs, I would imagine that makes it hard to say "actually, I'm not."
One way or another, that was a closed-off road for me.
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4 comments:
Survivor, you don't mention any reservation you might have about Brethren scrutiny and interference in other members' marriages.
Last week I received a letter from a senior member of the EB criticising my marriage - and I am not, nor have I ever been, a member of the Brethren. The barb, which was entirely unfounded, was aimed at my lovely husband, and I caught my breath at the insolence of it all.
Survivor and Ian have met my husband. His "fault", it seems, was that in his retirement he has chosen to be a student at Cambridge. OK, so EB don't undertake university courses themselves, but whatever has happened to their manners?
I can't imagine what it must be like to be a young married EB couple and the focus of similar meanness and disapprobation. Not something I would wish on any young person.
Apologies for commenting on a comment.
I often stare at a comment I have read about the Brethren, but on reading Joan's posting, my jaw literally fell. I am staring in disbelief, but Joan has no reason to exaggerate, so I HAVE to believe it.
I think that revelation is worthy of a wider audience.
From what I'm told, the scrutiny and interference is less for married persons than it is for the unmarried, and plenty of people my age have told me to hang on and get married on that account - it gets easier then, they say.
I'll leave everyone to imagine from Joan's comment just how much pressure there is on those who are brethren, and are unmarried without good reason, if the brethren feel able to comment on her situation.
Not that I knew that manners were ever a strong point.
Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
— Mickey Rooney
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