I find myself in a particularly awkward situation. Can I possibly write about meeting people without being specific? My weekend has been about people.
The personal stuff can stay private, I think. Instead, here's some thoughts on ex-brethren.
It seems to be surprisingly common that people leaving the brethren don't want to have anything to do with the community of leavers. I share the tendency myself. It's something to do with feeling trapped and pigeon-holed. Having slowly and painfully come to terms with moving on from one community, the fellowship, the last thing one wants is a readymade alternative that's related and defined by the thing one is moving on from. It feels a bit like only half leaving.
Then there is the lifetime of indoctrination that says that people on the outside are not to be trusted, and that those bad enough to leave the chosen position are the worst of the lot, however nice they may pretend to be. You don't have to believe that to feel the effect of it, if only because the thought lurks in the back of the mind of one's friends and family sadly shaking their heads at the company one has fallen into. The fact that brethren have a gloomy expectation of leavers gathering together to boost each other's confidence, and telling each other that they've done the right thing, tends to induce a determination not to fit into the expected mould, and to do something entirely different.
This contrarian streak does have some definite positive aspects, as an aside: for one thing, it is noticeable that ex-brethren go out of their way to tolerant of obvious differences - though they find minor differences hard to take sometimes - and that has to be a good thing.
However, a passing remark yesterday made me think a bit. It was something to the effect that real friends are people who have some shared history.
I agree. And, that being the case, being as I have left behind everybody who fills that position best, I'd be a fool to ignore those who have some element of shared background - and that means ex-brethren. It's not about bad-mouthing where we've come from, it's about the relief of people knowing what the little references mean, not having to explain, just being ourselves without being wary of being different.
It takes a long time to build up true friendship, but if there is enough in common, then large steps can be taken quite fast. That's enough justification for overcoming a reluctance to become part of a ghetto, which is anyway a ghetto of the imagination, only as real as it's perceived to be.
Besides, I always found the majority of brethren to be decent, pleasant and friendly people, and I'm not surprised to find that those who've left are no different, and keener to show it. I met several for the first time yesterday, and would like to know them better. We barely had time to get past the "oh" as we mutually ditched our mental images for reality.
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//We barely had time to get past the "oh" as we mutually ditched our mental images for reality.//
Well said Sir.
'Real' friends or friends with a common bond who give that comfort of understanding each others past? 'Real' friends can come from varied backgrounds who commit the additional qualities which make strong friendships.
From the position of an external observer, mostly through the internet, I feel I understand something of what you're talking about.
Successfully making the transition from "brethren" to "ex-brethren" involves a profound identity change which individuals make with varying degrees of success.
It is psychologically quite similar to the process involving migration from one country to another.
Here in Australia, about one third of the population are either themselves migrants, or first degree relatives of one. The extent to which migrants successfully become "Australian", varies a great deal. Often it takes a generation or two for people to shed the identity associated with their country of origin and become, unequivocally, Australian.
This is particularly so when there is a language change, but also if the migration takes place relatively late in life. Many migrants cling together with people from their country of origin, either longing for the past, or supporting each other in criticism of the "oppressive" regime which they have left behind, or both.
Although it's likely to be true that people feel that they are only completely understood by other people who have similar origins, I don't agree that it is necessary to have a shared history for true friendship.
Involved as you are, Survivor, in making the transition and at the same time observing yourself and writing about it requires a degree of objectivity that you can only aspire to and approximate.
Perhaps you could think of this blog as your first book, largely autobiographical, but giving way in due course to a novel written from the more mature position of having successfully become a writer rather than an Ex-Brethren blogger.
All my blog entries should come with a warning label:
"The opinions expressed are those of the author only, and should not be taken internally. Opinions may differ, given time, and are subject to revision at any point."
The shared history is only one aspect of friendship, but I still think it's important. I'm not sure what the name is, in that case, for someone who is in the process of making the commitment and beginning to share that history. There is a distinction, though, and I hope I'm not belittling any of my new friends by saying that as I value them very much indeed. An internet correspondence is a history of sorts.
Incidentally, the lack of objectivity is a large part of my reason for blogging. I know I won't look at everything the same in times to come, and I will want to look back and see how it seemed at the this point. Blogs are supposed to be personal. Whether I ever graduate to novel-writing ...
When I first escaped, I remained wary of ex-brethren for many years. They always seemed to want to know my theological position and denominational preference, and thought this was important. I couldn’t tell them, because I didn’t know. Some of them still used lots of nauseating brethren terms with their eccentric brethren meanings, such as “the Truth” and “the World” as if the Brethren’s views on these had some vestige of validity. Others had little interest in anything beyond football, flicks and fags.
But as time went on, I became more nearly normal, and so did they. It became possible to reminisce about our experiences instead of bellyaching, and equally possible to discuss interesting and controversial topics, instead of just swapping different brands of bigotry.
Eventually a stage was reached where our common history provided an instant bond, not an instant barrier.
Your comments resonate with my experience, ian. Twenty years after leaving the EB, my 'theological position' still larks about a bit, rather to my annoyance... however 'denominational preference' has mostly remained fairly steady at none/any. And I still get a bit cross with myself for liking old EB hymns.
Hehe, I wonder what YOU'LL be like in twenty years time, Survivor?!
Oh, and I say, "Ghetto, schmetto," to you. It was great to 'mutually ditch the mental image for reality' on't weekend with you, but as you say, the meet-up was all too brief. Here's to creating some new 'shared history'! i.e. the shared history of an ongoing friendship.
Our Brethren upbringings and past are a big part of us, I admit. But they're only a part. And when one's out and free and able to have a go at living under one's own steam, the more the whole delightful picture is being added to all the time.
For me, shared Brethren history just provides an extra kind of comfy, empathic background for getting to know someone. The person who is Survivor, is - like every human being on the planet - a complicated mix of all sorts of things, many of which he's yet to discover for himself... and I jolly well want at least a sideline view as he keeps emerging from the chrysalis of being Brethren (providing that's what you decide to keep doing). How're your wings feeling, sweetheart?!
You simply wouldn't CREDIT how excited and trepidatious I feel for you.. and what a huge amount of deja vue some of us are experiencing, catching up on your blog. Is it possible to 'egg someone on to take it slowly', and savour each new experience?.. that's what I wish for you.
So glad you're documenting some of this special time you're living, in the wider world. Welcome, dear soul.
Thankfully, there are not many persons who have had the experience of leaving the brethren. I have long since digested my story down to the minimum few sentences needed to provide context to my life. "My family belongs to an ultra-conservative faith that practices shunning persons who leave.", etc. I avoid buzzwords like "cult" or "Christian" because so many people think they know what those words mean, yet each person has a different sense of that meaning.
Even among ex-brethren I find myself wary, as survivor has noted. The shared history is good for a few laughs or tears, as the case may be, and it is good to find out what became of various familiar names. But each of us is going in a different direction and the brethren part is in the past, not in the future.
Peter Caws once spoke of the 'trajectories' each of us has followed since leaving the brethren and I continue to savor that turn of phrase.
I like the word "trajectory", too, but I hope it's not too literal, as it kind of implies that the course can't be altered after lift-off. I have a good many mistakes and wrong paths to come yet, and it would be nice to think I wasn't stuck with them.
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