I have this sense that things are shifting around me as fast or faster than I take action myself. Most obviously, the very fact of me stating my case in writing has stirred something up that I don't fully understand. The result for me is that the men who had been discussing my affairs with me haven't been seen for more than a week, and some are apparently answering questions themselves. Meanwhile, some old friends of mine have taken their place, and are going out of their way to make no difficulties at all. It seems almost as though I could continue as before with no more said if I chose, and it is only my insistence that is any reason at all to leave.
That is somehow quite unsettling. What is also painful in a way I wouldn't be without is that assorted friends have been to say their "goodbye for now"s, some from quite a long way away.
So I am feeling very unilateral and somewhat high-handed, however little justified that may be. Fortunately the various friends, while they don't agree either with my conclusions or my actions, understand why I feel it is necessary, and hope for the best on my behalf even as their training of years tells them the worst is likely.
What is worst is the actual moving. Although my family have accepted it when I've talked it through, they find it impossible to accept the physical reality. There is - I hate to say - an air of resentment that makes each box and item weigh twice as much. The atmosphere is thick with unwillingness. Today I have shifted to other tasks which are less obvious, simply because I can't bear it. There are practical jobs to do for others before I am not permitted to cross their doorsteps to finish off, and I am doing some of those.
I have been thinking that perhaps I will leave most things behind, and return later to collect them when there is nobody there.
But happily I can report that I turned up to my little house this evening in the dark of a rainstorm, and it felt like home already. In spite of having little furniture, no hot water, and no bed. So I think my first night will be comfortable when it comes.
4 comments:
mmm isn't one of the purposes of a blog to be a bit self-absorbed as you reflect on what is happening to you? I hope so because I am thinking of starting one so that I can reflect on the process of starting up my research again ... nothing like a good bit of self absorption to get the reflexivity going.
I was wondering if this seeming ploy on the brethren's part (ie going out of their way not to make difficulties), is intended to unsettle you. One thing the brethren are good at is moving the goal posts - this is a know tactic to unsettle people. Just as you think you have your mind all sorted and you know what you are doing - dang me they go and move those posts again. Of course is it unsettling - it is meant to be!
Yes that physical reality - cant hide anymore, the facts are in front of whoever this event is affecting. That is something that is really hard about making choices.
Leaving stuff behind to collect later - not a bad idea if it makes it easier now. And its kind of the normal thing to do anyway - well my daughter still has stuff of hers in the loft!
i am delighted that your home feels like home already - you have already put some of your soul into it.
(and finally - I find it very odd when writing a message like this not to put my name at the end - well that seems to be the norm anyway)
A friend once wrote an article titled "The Ambiguity of the Amber Light". The ambiguous zones and periods in life are unsettling indeed. But can be very useful in helping one to strengthen one's ability to cheerfully accept this common aspect of existence.And navigate through it with minimal stress.
Hang in there!
Dear Survivor, your post inspired this train of thought: Imagine that instead of leaving the Exclusive Brethren to become part of the world outside you are moving out of an ordinary British household to become, say, a French citizen. The social and psychological processes would be quite similar. The British way of life which you and your family and friends had previously held dear are being discarded by you in favour of a system which you had admired for a long time, but was, of course, French. Your friends and family who loved you and admired you and particularly valued your openness and your analytical mind would be torn between wanting to keep you as one of their own and letting you go to the foreign culture which you had longed for. They would, in an effort to keep you British; but also to keep you theirs, entertain all the options available to retain you in the British system. They and you would know of course that once you made the move it would never be the same again. French is French. British it aint.
You yourself, excited about your impending liberation from Britishness will also be bewildered by the change but exhilarated by your mastery of your own destiny.
In time the different culture and language and the physical separation will take its toll; you will grow further apart and eventually have difficulty understanding each other at all. That is not to say that you wont miss home like any expatriate.
Might I suggest though that you don’t make the mistake that many expatriates do of spending the rest of your life preoccupied with what is wrong with Britain; get on with all the wonderful new opportunities that being French offers.
Nice analogy Robert - the acculturation process and well described.
The survivor is of course facing more than that. When we make decisions that we know are going to affect others as well as ourselves and are going to result in family disruption, apparent rejection etc then that is so much more distressing and difficult.
When I moved to Switzerland from the UK my family remained in the UK but they were accessible to me and visited me and i them. Difficult though the acculturation process was that made it easier.
Post a Comment