I am now finding there is a conflict that is bigger than I thought it would be. On the one hand, I like people to see what I've written (the ego finding an outlet from a shy person) and, strangely, others seem to like to read it. But I made a miscalculation in my estimate of the effect on my family and brethren friends.
There was never any doubt that my comments would be hurtful - they were bridge-burning comments, and intended to be so. However I took pains to avoid anything that would apply to any particular person. Apart from anything else, I can't think of anybody I would want to humiliate publicly in that way. So to me, it is all diffused criticism that nobody could take personally.
I wrote a while back that this approach is not possible, that brethren, whatever their own feelings about what goes on, will not be able to help seeing criticism as a personal slap in the face. So it proves, and I'm caught in the trap.
Last night was the hardest discussion. I finally spelt out to my parents that I am going, and soon, leaving no room for doubt. They don't understand, but they can accept it in spite of the bitterness, and I think they know that it is not a rejection of them. The biggest stumbling block remains this blog. Clearly they do take it personally, and it is equally clear that everybody I've had anything to do with will take whatever I say as a pointed analysis of their personal deficiencies in that area. What's more, unless I keep tight control, some people seem to think it's a good idea to splash my comments as widely as possible.
So anything I write in public will, unintentionally, be a wound to people I care about. I could call it their problem, not mine, but once I know it's happening, I am responsible.
At which point I have to ask myself "Is it worth the price?"
8 comments:
I am confused as to how this blog is upsetting the EB faithful. Most are not supposed to have computer access, and this blog has restricted access. So how do EB people know what you are writing?
The damage was probably done earlier when, unfortunately, the blog was widely publicised. The Brethren are no different than a number of other groups, and individuals for that matter. They simply can't understand or accept dissent.
This must be reinforced by their notion of special place in the celestial universe. No doubt they take very personally "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31)
It creates a real dilemma for the blogger who loves family and friends as individuals, but disagrees with the system which they support.
Yes, the damage was done as soon as the blog existed. It's OK at the moment, obviously, but it scares people that I might continue and make it public again.
Which, all else being equal, I'd like to. How often am I going to need to explain my background? Here there is something I could point to, but only if it's worth the cost.
My advice would be to wait until you are gone from the family home before you make the blog public again, but then again, it is really none of my business.
These are one of the issues that need to be faced, but by the same token, from what I think of your postings so far, you will be strong enough to face those issues.
Bethren parents are probably not the only mother and father who might find it difficult to accept that one of their offspring was writing about them in a blog. Most parents would be likely to adapt, though, especially if they were subject to a good report! Your problem is that you are outspoken about the brethren system with which your parents identify so intensely, and my guess is that they dread any critical exposure and take it very personally.
In time your story will move on, but I can empathise with the conflict you're experiencing just now.
"Is it worth the price?"
In your blog you have written the truth about what you think and believe. None of it is vindictive or deliberately hurtful. It has and will serve the purpose of liberating you from the hypocrisy your life had become. Of course it is sad that people you love will be hurt by what you have said but there are always casualties when the truth is spoken and the hurt was unintended and to a degree unanticipated. I for one commend you for the example of honesty you have shown. My answer to your question is “Yes, even though the price is high, it is worth it”.
I think the main reason why Brethren will feel hurt by having their teachings and practices exposed to scrutiny is that it makes the leaders look like unscrupulous manipulators and makes the followers look stupid and gullible, which is rather embarrassing to both lots.
One way to relieve the embarrassment for the followers, while still telling the truth, would be to show that many of them, rather than being stupid and gullible, are actually highly intelligent but are victims of mind-control techniques that have been applied to them since childhood. These techniques, applied consistently over a long time, will work not just with stupid people, but with nearly anyone. Many totalitarian regimes and cults have proved that.
From a public relations perspective, this depiction is less damning. The public will usually sympathise with a victim.
It's worth the price. I began to express my true self through 'prophetic words' on Tuesday nights & asking questions in the other meetings! I had the same intention as you - change the flawed system, look after the people. Eventually the hev's told me publicly to 'shut up'! I then realised that many Brethren don't want to see any of the flaws in the system because they fear change - it scares the shit out of them. Mind you, some would like to change the system, but the leaders have it pretty well sewn up. The Brethren have given you the best situation that could happen in your life; you have to decide what you want to do & that will make more of a man of you. That's what's great about this blog, because it's you trying to see your way through the fog that surrounds the true you.
I'm barracking for you because the true you (which has been suppressed all your life) is beginning to emerge into the full light of day. The journey will be a long and interesting one.
You are about to experience a huge buzz, when you finally tell your local friendly priest/s that you are leaving - you'll feel 100 foot tall & feel absolutely fantastic. Plus if this is any consolation my family despised me for sitting on the fence, but once I said "it's my life I'm leaving" - I could see the respect in their eyes for me.
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