The reasons are mixed, as such things often are. Initially it was from a desperate need to do something, after what could be called a final straw. But that doesn't explain why this.
I've tried to say these things before in two ways. Firstly to individuals among the brethren, and secondly in writing to others outside. The first is painful and unproductive, the second enjoyable and unproductive. That's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is.
I absolutely hate telling anyone something that pains them. Combined with the fact that I already know what someone in fellowship thinks, and knowing that I'm not going to change their mind, that makes it unbearable talking things over with those inside. This way, I can kid myself that the unpleasant truths are not hurting anyone in particular, and that makes it possible to say.
Then again, the public aspect is important. This is what I think. Here, it can't be brushed under the carpet. I've said it, and I stand or fall by it. I wanted an irrevocable step, and this is it. I'm painfully conscious of my own weakness and inclination to back down rather than hurt someone, and I don't want to give myself the option.
So to those reading this: if you enjoy it be my guest, and if it pains you then I'm sorry. The intended audience is neither of you, merely the big "out there", which is why I've taken the trouble to distance myself from any use of my writing.
And with any luck it will be my passport to a new and more honest life. Fighting one's demons in public can have useful side effects.
8 comments:
Dear Survivor, I'm of the opinion that your writing is the healthiest thing you could possibly be doing, given your present circumstances, so don't stop or you might get sick! Preventative medicine is powerful stuff.
I'm so glad you recognized my somewhat backhanded comment as the compliment it was meant to be - I come from a long line of "corny jokers"
Survivor says - "I absolutely hate telling anyone something that pains them."
A quality I admire and a consideration I suspect weighs more heavily when we are older and have developed a responsibility to others?
Ex-AOG here.
It seems your reasons are sound, and I appreciate your wish to do no harm to others.
Thank you for making your thoughts known to your readers: I, for one, appreciate your situation and think you are doing no wrong.
Unproductive?
This carefully documented account of your dilemma probably has therapeutic value for many who been through the same experiences, but are still confused and bewildered because they had no one to talk it through with, and never managed to articulate their feelings so clearly.
It will also be valuable for the counsellors and clinical psychologists who try to care for nervous wrecks after they stagger out of the meeting room door for the last time. It will help them to understand what some of the emotional trauma is all about.
This log also has symbolic value as a landmark in your spiritual journey. As you ceremonially burn your boats, be assured that you have a small audience who feel privileged to witness the process, and are on hand to help if ever help is needed.
Ian McKay, Glasgow
Dear Survivor,
Thanks for sharing your journey with us. I will follow along with interest and prayers.
ATB.
The reason you write could be for clarity.
I think many bloggers write to clear their minds.
Dear Survivor
Just to say my best wishes are with you. I and many others know just how gut-wrenching can be the feelings and thoughts one experiences when considering whether to stay in, or leave, "the position".
I admire your ability to set out your thoughts so well, and please don't take that as being at all patronising!
I believe that for anyone who truly knows and understands the EB system, your blog makes for particularly interesting reading. I am amazed that you find the time, space and energy to write so much.
I agree with Ian’s comments about it being therapeutic, and also a valuable insight pit stop for counselors and psychologists in their efforts to understand and unravel the trauma caused by leaving the EBs.
You are most obviously a highly intelligent and capable individual, and I hope that if you do eventually leave the fold, you will set a personal goal to study further in a specialized field and obtain a degree of sorts (if you haven’t done so already, and gone back)
I am sure that I, like many who read your blog, enjoy your “easy to read” writing style, as well as your candor and wit! Keep it up, and good luck - that’s an overrated expression isn’t it? – for the days and months ahead, I admire your inner strength, balance and wisdom, and can only begin to imagine the internal struggle you are going through.
It is also my opinion, that your blog is a historic landmark and that your sensible and composed approach to your dilemma shows remarkable inner astuteness and sanity despite the systematic communal pressures!! You have the proverbial brass neck that many of us wish we’d had. There are many ex-EBs who wish that they had remained emotionally detached from the whole process of leaving. Getting emotionally involved and feeling guilty normally only contributes to a reckless, desperate and sometimes uncontrollable exit from the system, which often lands up in wild prodigal behavior and later regret.
NICE ONE!!!
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