Hard as it may be to believe, there really are people who cannot understand why anyone wouldn't be happy among the brethren. There are a good many more who think that while there are problems and faults, the overwhelming balance is towards the benefits.
That's the way any conversations about leaving tend to go.
The first question is "where else would you go?" which is easy to answer. There's no need to go anywhere. Out is out, and the move doesn't come with a requirement to join an alternative group. That's a scary thought to many, accustomed as they are to props on all sides.
The next is "what benefit could be so great as to make you give up all the amazing things about being in fellowship?" and that one I like to turn around. There is no benefit so small that I wouldn't trade all the brethren's perceived wonders for it. Actually, I've said that one in my head a lot more than I've said it in real life, because the question is mostly asked rhetorically in circumstances that don't allow for reply.
After that, the pattern varies. One other query I've had more than once is "how can you possibly think that you're the one person who's right and all the brethren are wrong?" That makes me laugh. Anyone who can ask such a question without seeing that the true situation is that I've joined the multi-millions-to-one majority who think the brethren don't have all the answers, is beyond irony. It's not worth arguing over this one, as those billions of people outside don't count for anything. They're wrong.
Another point of attack is along the lines of "there is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so". A creditable thought, but it has its limits. I am assured with great positivity that if I could only accept things as they are, I'd find I was happy immediately. I'm sure that's true, but it's hard to explain why I'm uncomfortable with modifying my mind to the extent that the acceptance becomes possible. Supplying our wants by lopping off our desires is like cutting off our feet when we want shoes, as a better religious thinker than me once said.
It's surprising how often I've had promises that things will improve, too, if I only hang on. All the problems, I'm told, are because the brethren, as individuals, are not as they should be, and as everyone gets right everything will become wonderful.
This is where I really disagree. The reason I haven't departed years ago is, admittedly, in small part lack of confidence that I can survive, but the biggest reason is those very individuals. It irritates me that the system is held blameless while the poor struggling people are apparently all that is stopping the fellowship being paradise on Earth. Literally. Some of those individuals love me, and would blame themselves and suffer enormously if I were to leave them, and even knowing that they're wrong about that doesn't make it any easier to land it on them. And these are also the people who are to blame for everything else too?
We don't usually get too far. And the same questioners often seem to escape coming back for another discussion. I can't think why.
7 comments:
The fetters upon imagination engendered by membership in some groups, be they political, business, social, or religious are tough to deal with for one like yourself, Survivor. I tried to remember several lines from A Midsummer Night's Dream, but finally succumbed to looking it up. So to reward my efforts I'll insert a longer passage (<;
"The lunatic, the lover, and the poet'
Are of imagination all compact:
One sees more devils than vast hell can hold,
That is, the madman; the lover, all as frantic,
Sees Helen's beauty in a brow of Egypt"
The poet's eye, in a fine frenzy rolling'
Doth glance from heaven to earth, from earth to heaven;
And, as imagination bodies forth
The forms of things unknown, the poet's pen
Turns them to shapes, and gives to airy nothing
A local habitation and a name.
Such tricks hath strong imagination.
That, if it would but apprehend some joy,
It comprehends the bringer of that joy;
Or in the night, imagining some fear,
How easy is a bush suppos'd a bear!"
Survivor says: "I am assured with great positivity that if I could only accept things as they are, I'd find I was happy immediately. I'm sure that's true, but it's hard to explain why I'm uncomfortable with modifying my mind to the extent that the acceptance becomes possible."
I guess it's because of that one little uncomfortable word 'integrity', maybe? Yep, I guess it's darn near impossible for you to explain anything about that to someone who's pretty much had to leave it behind. And I don't mean that in a snide or disrespectful way about the peebs; IMO smothering integrity is really a practical necessity for survival, for many EB.
So - you have people who "would blame themselves and suffer enormously if I were to leave them". Oh dear (said with huge feeling, rather than sarcasm)... the EB separation doctrines strike again!
I think you will know in your heart when the balance has tipped between the allegiances you have to those you love in the EB, and your own need to live life with integrity before your God.
NOT an easy decision, most especially if some of those you will leave behind in the EB are dependant on you in some way. Anyone in this situation has my deepest sympathy.
Hopefully, you would now understand why those of us on the non- or ex-EB side of the EB separation fence, do everything we can to knock out the knot-holes and keep communicating/publicising, whether that be via peebs.net contributions, or privately in other ways. Once you've felt the stinging tentacles of forced EB separation from family and loved ones, if you've an ounce of altruism left you find it nearly impossible to sit back and say, "Oh, the EB'll never change... I might as well just leave them to it." At various points in our exEB career, most of us have begun to feel the price of EB separation is too high, for us to continue keeping quiet.
I've seen this in-to-out communication happening. Things aren't as rigid as they were. and families do keep in touch.
It may help a little, but it doesn't solve the main source of pain for those on the inside, which is the knowledge that a loved one "went wrong" and they weren't able to stop it. That, too, is down to brethren doctrine, but it's not as simple as the separation bugbear.
Survivor said,
"I've seen this in-to-out communication happening. Things aren't as rigid as they were. and families do keep in touch."
That’s interesting! I had contact with my family during the recent con / scam, sorry the “Review” I saw my (in) family once, where I made it very clear I had no intention of returning to the Brethren…..I’ve had no contact since, surprise, surprise!
As the sceptic that I am, I’m still trying to work out if you are genuine about still being a member of the peebs….either way, I find it amusing!
Keep up the Blogging, but don't be late for any meetings in doing so!
Dear Survivor,
You said:
"Some of those individuals love me, and would blame themselves and suffer enormously if I were to leave them, and even knowing that they're wrong about that doesn't make it any easier to land it on them."
All ex-EBs have had the pain of watching others suffering as a result of their departure. Those left behind, who blame themselves, even they have a choice - though they don't always appear to be aware of it. They made a choice to stay; by making a choice to leave you would make them acknowledge that there is a choice. They may never understand but any action to leave on your part will ask those who love you to question their own choices - even if they don't find any answers.
Your mother's hair may turn white at your choice to leave but if your choice of belief is different to hers, should you really live the rest of your life according to her choice, in order to avoid her pain? Could you call yourself a grown-up, independent adult if you did? To muddle along, unhappily, in order to keep others happy would be to live a half life.
Those who love you owe you the right to find integrity, honesty, freedom of speech, freedom of religion and freedom from fear. EB life may seem trivial but it is riddled with the fear of upsetting or offending others. But you cannot truly respect others until you respect yourself. Stop tipoeing - start striding!
Alan, I didn't mean to imply that all was now rosy between "ins" and "outs", just that contact does happen. I guess it partly depends on the family concerned, but also it would tend to be where the "ins" have cause to feel more responsible, for example with the young and the old among "outs". I assure you that in some cases the contact is at least weekly, but I doubt that's common.
Feel free to be sceptical. It's a healthy attitude.
Lydia, I know all you say is true, but it doesn't make it easy. I think of it as being a bit like those people who've had to cut off a limb to survive some accident which leaves them in danger: you need to be desperate to make the pain worthwhile. What's more, in this case, the pain is on both sides. Simply justifying the pain doesn't help with enduring it.
But I expect you know that already.
I think the majority of ex-EBs would empathise deeply with the pain you possibly face, Dear Survivor; they would offer you support, promise that it is possible, and swear that it is worth it!
With best wishes to you, sir.
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