For today's exercise, class, I'd like you to imagine you're a person in a very restricted community, surrounded by friends who are happy and enthusiastic about the community. You, however, know more about the world outside the hedge than they do, and don't share either their fear of the mythical horrors or their half-admitted hankering after the overrated pleasures.
When one of the community, seeing that you aren't enjoying the benefits as much as you ought, sits down to discuss what they could do for you, you tire of vagueness and say that you'd rather be outside. They, living and breathing the community, are dumbfounded. Why would you want to? What forbidden activity do you wish to indulge in? You, quite honestly, say that there is nothing that you can't do already, and that you don't expect to gain much. All they can ask is "Why?"
What is your answer? You have ten minutes to think, then we'll discuss it.
Everybody ready?
Those who said "to gain congruence between my internal and external lives", you can award yourselves two points. And take one of them away again for expressing the thought so pompously. But you're right in large part. Humans are not made to accept ideas and reality clashing all the time, and will get stressed.
Those who said "to gain freedom", you only get half a point. What does freedom mean if there is no specific activity you wish to gain? But you get that half point because there is a difference between open and private enjoyment.
I'll let you think about it a little more, and give you my answers next time.
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4 comments:
Dear Survivor,
I wonder if I might ask you to change the focus of the question slightly? Instead of focusing on the problem of what there is on the outside, how about focusing on the problem of what is inside the hedge?
What you gain on the outside is honesty, freedom of speech and the positive physical and mental benefits of such freedom. What you lose from the inside is hypocrisy.
Those who are happy to submit to what they regard as 'higher' authority within the brethren have no need to address their own beliefs and ethics. You, clearly, cannot submit - you question. Therefore you have had to address your own beliefs and ethics. Their happiness, therefore, cannot be yours.
If you have children your relationship can only be an honest and open one with them when you have rejected the hypocrisy you have to maintain within the 'hedge'. I know it was only that meddling idiot Polonius who said, "To thine own self be true," but it was a lesson he sought to pass on to his son. Surely such a lesson has to be passed on by example from the father?
Apologies for the above if you do not have children.
Dear Survivor,
I sense your pain, because it arouses painful memories of a time when I was in your position, believing that the Exclusive Brethren teachings, practices and way of life were sadly misguided, but not really knowing any alternative.
There is pain in writing off many years of effort as largely wasted; there is pain in parting from very dear friends, knowing that they will feel obliged to despise you, and will put on wise and sad expressions and pontificate about where you went wrong; there is pain and fear in the prospect of finding your own way in an unfamiliar world, having lost your job, family, friends, and maybe your home.
Speaking from experience, I can say there will be pleasant surprises too. There will be secret messages of support from a few, usually older, brethren, who are with you in spirit but cannot say so openly; there will be the surprise of finding that many ex-brethren whom you once thought of as enemies welcome you with open arms, and become firm friends.
I for one would like to meet you if you live within reach of Glasgow, or communicate by email or phone if you do not. Maybe a mutual acquaintance could introduce us.
Ian McKay, Glasgow.
Lydia, you're ahead of me. I've only given the questioner's viewpoint so far. I'll come back to this in due course.
As for introductions, well, I'm grateful for the fellow-feeling but I think it's a bit soon. You may be able to imagine how limited my time is ...
Dear Survivor,
Your post transports me back two decades... to when I was a 20y/o EB sister who woke up one morning just *knowing* that I had to leave the EB.
No particular worldly forbidden pleasures beckoned, and like you I was very aware of the pain my leaving would cause those who loved me (to say nothing of my own pain at leaving them)... but I felt very strongly in my heart that I would not be behaving with integrity if I stayed a member of the Brethren.
So I think my answer to the question you pose here, would centre around the word 'honesty'.
Not just congruence (which of course is important to us humans, as you say)... but the one thing I really felt I didn't have as an EB - and from all observations, it's still like that in there - was the freedom to express myself honestly and openly; to make my own decisions and be personally responsible for the results.
Oh, and I did want to mention one other thing. Like you, before I left the EB I didn't "expect to gain much", except the freedom to explore my own integrity levels (wow, that really is some gain though, ain't it?) I now feel that my low expectation of gain was really quite way off-beam! Although my life contains quite a bit of bereavement and ongoing sadness because of the strictures EB separation policies put on my family (and my EB friends), I also feel RICHLY blessed, every day, because I can enjoy the taste of freedom in my being and in my relationship with my God, and in my open communion with any other human being on this planet.
(Sorry there are so many "my's" in that last sentence... but it IS MINE, this freedom, and it's enormously special and precious to me. The cost has been high, but I want you to know that there is MUCH gain to be had.)
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