As everybody always says, the biggest price you pay in leaving the close-knit society of the brethren is an emotional one. Not only one's own feelings at having to leave people behind, but the secondhand torture of those others' feelings too.
I suspect the full impact has yet to strike me, but the sadness is currently well balanced with exhilaration, albeit still slightly frustrated. And the wary avoidance I was braced to see in other brethren has yet to show. In some ways it feels like the best of all worlds right now, as I'm equally free to enjoy the company of anybody, but I can't enjoy it because my family aren't. It's for their sakes that I had hoped events would move faster, as a quick break would let them move on instead of rubbing their noses in our differences. Yet even they seem cheerful. It's as though they can't believe I won't see sense soon. With all of us living in varying degrees of denial, who knows what emotional storms are to come.
Two things so far have brought me to the brink of tears, and I don't know why. Both were musical.
The first was playing Chopin's Raindrop Prelude on the piano. The second was the following:
"As one someone long prepared for this to happen,
In full command of every plan you wrecked,
Do not take the coward's explanation,
That hides behind the cause and the effect."
As I say, I don't know why.
2 comments:
"Say goodbye to Alexandra leaving.
Then say goodbye to Alexandra lost."
In the immediate and limited sense, yes. In the vast and cosmic sense, no.
You clearly are well loved by your family and friends inside. For the same reasons you will also be well loved outside, perhaps even by your landlord in due course. This exercise cannot be undertaken without emotional pain but the liberation of yourself as a freewilled individual will make it worthwhile.
Post a Comment