Not Yet Halfway

It feels odder to be writing about the process of leaving than I thought it would, mostly because of the very personal nature of the happenings.

As of last night, I am officially "restricted", which, for those who know about some of this, means the same as "shut up" but means it more delicately. The other phrase provokes winces these days, as it carries memories of harsh treatment, so now the same thing is done but with a smile and a different name. To quote Dilbert, "it's the same thing, but we've made huge advances in what it's called".

There are now three men dealing with me, and they're all very anxious to be cordial, and to make utterly clear that this is just a temporary unpleasantness that can swiftly be resolved. I'm sure they mean it, too. I have a little suspicion that once someone's been given a task such as my situation, they look at it as a personal failure if it doesn't end happily from their viewpoint, but I am also sure that they genuinely want the best for me within their own outlook. I can't dislike them for it, and nor would I want to. Of course, that only makes it harder that we simply don't agree. I hate disagreeing with anybody.

Still, it was a good deal less stressful this time, as they were purposely brief, and stuck to finding points of agreement as far as possible. And they had a main message to convey, which was a suggestion that I write down everything that troubles me. That, I have to say, is a genuinely good idea, and something I didn't expect. I shall do that with great relief and it'll be good to have it all out on paper in a way I find myself incapable of saying face to face. Presumably they will then want to counter the points one by one, but that's fine.

What is worse is the reaction of friends, who are more affected than I feared. The best are sad but accepting, but even that's hard when there are more of them than I thought. It's not just the pain of parting, but, for them, it must be like watching a loved one wandering into some fearful danger while deluded. I know it's not so, but I can't help them.

So what's next? I still have a job for now, which it looks like I will be leaving slowly and may end up keeping some of it for longer on a consultancy basis. That limits my movements somewhat. I want to move out, but I'm painfully aware of my naivety in things like renting, and I don't want to put all my resources into property. I have a business to start, but need another director.

At this point it comes forcibly to my attention that I was absent for many lessons in life. I have some serious catching up to do.