I have sometimes wondered whether being among the brethren is permanently damaging to the psyche.
Probably not in every case, but what's worrying is that many of the people who've left the group seem to come across as much obsessed as those who stayed in, with the only difference being that they've switched sides. It's as though "us against them" has become such an ingrained attitude that they need to keep it up, and those they left behind are the most obvious candidates. I'm not minimising the mental agonies some/most will have gone through, but in a normal situation most people grow beyond such things.
That's one of the scary things about contemplating leaving. Will I be obsessed too? Will I be able to leave it behind? Can I make a life for myself in which I don't ever think of myself as "used to be brethren"? Some people must do, but I don't see many.
For real gnawing of fragments of old lives, take a little look at www.peebs.net - you probably already have if you've found this blog, as the site comes high on a google search for exclusive brethren. These folks are people who all, without exception, proclaim themselves to be delighted at their freedom from the evil cult that the brethren are. Yet they spend a large amount of their time (as far as I can see) discussing, criticising, taunting, etc etc ... the very group they've glad to have left. Is it me, or is that unhealthy? I've spent far too long in a political atmosphere, and become far too cynical, but it says to me that these people are not sufficiently sure of their ground to just shrug and let it go. By keeping at it, they quieten the voice in the back of their heads that queries their lives as they now are.
Anybody's free to point a finger at me. Here I am criticising the brethren myself, and more besides, and I haven't had whatever it takes to do anything about it. In my defence, all I'll say is that at least I'm prepared to admit to doubts of various kinds, and that I'm surrounded by the brethren all the time. I can't help thinking about them. And frankly, if I don't let off steam somewhere, I'll suffer a breakdown.
Plus, in my long wrangling over the deepest religious and moral aspects of it all, the biggest conclusion I have reached for sure is that IT DOESN'T MUCH MATTER. Does God care about the little details? I'm utterly certain He doesn't. So I'm not any more inclined to beat the brethren over the head with what they do and believe than I am to subscribe to it myself.
4 comments:
When people leave the Exclusives they deal with in various ways. Some want to leave it all as far behind them as possible, some want to stay in touch with other ex-EBs and discuss the past,perhaps as a way of working through it; others want to keep in touch with ex-EBs and talk about different things. The good thing is, the choice is entirely yours!
Very perceptive posting. I left the EB four years ago. It took me more than a decade to actually go through with it, and as my life is so good now and I find myself wondering why more don't leave, especially my old disenchanted friends, I know I must be forgetting how difficult it is to leave. I wonder why more of my old EB friends don't contact me, and then I realise that when I was in, I never contacted any of my friends that had left either. I was just too scared. Now that I have no fear in my life, which is such a wonderful and liberating thing, I forget how real that fear is when you're in.
Yes I go on peebs.net and sometimes join in the discussions, but no more than I go on other websites totally unlinked to religion, to join in discussions there. But this is because I erm... like discussions. Debates. I rarely get involved in discussions about the EB on peebs.net any more, unless to correct factual errors, and I have been known to support the EB on occasions, as I hate one-sided negative reporting. However, the discussions I get involved with are generally those about issues not exclusive to EB e.g. Creation v Evolution, God's existence etc. Many visitors of the website are ex-EB that left the religion when they were just a few years old, but enjoy debating with friends. As they barely remember the EB, they surely cannot be obsessed with them, but they still go on the site. I would say that the vast majority of ex-EB NEVER post any comments on the site. And in now knowing a few that do and a little of the fulfilling lives they now lead, I find it difficult to believe that they have a "voice at the back of their head" about their ex-EB status, but I can totally understand why the EB would like to think and believe that this little voice is present in all ex-EB. It is certainly not in my head, although I would probably not admit it here even if it was.
You remind me of ME during my self-confessed double-life I lived for many years before I left. I was a hypocrite and knew it, and knew the reasons why it was good to be one. I knew the whole system was nuts, but appreciated its good qualities too, and although I was more cynical of the whole religion than was probably anyone else, it didn't stop me living in fear of God, hell, the priests etc, and didn't stop me disliking the anti-EB brigade. If and when you do leave, you will eventually realise what a powerfully controlling and fear-inducing system you were in, but I would say it is impossible to appreciate this until you have experienced it i.e. left. Sometimes, I am so happy now that I feel like I'm flying.
There are so so many EB that are in it for the lifestyle rather than for moral reasons, and because they realise they would not really be happier outside it. They don't agree with or even understand why they do what they do, but they accept it and enjoy the world-wide friendships and social life that this acceptance brings.
Your 10 ways of dealing with priests were excellent! I totally agree. Particularly with the one about being nice to them / liking them. You're so right - they're human, and your friendliness towards them makes it very difficult for them to discipline you. Loved your comment about everybody expecting something dramatic to come out of the "Universal meetings". They always have done, and nothing ever does! Also your reasoning about constant activity being necessary was spot on. It makes the brethren feel that the Lord is working and moving all the time. From that perspective, the EB must be having a whale of a time since BDH took over - there have been so many changes and activities haven't there? For years, wealthy EB have been made to feel almost guilty of their wealth - now they are being encouraged to grow more and more wealthy, and are being rewarded for it by being promoted to powerful administrators.
Keep up the blog. When I left, I wrote a long story of why I left, including a summary of my unhappy years within the EB. It is a way of pouring out your thoughts to understand them more. It is also a useful record of how you were and thought as a person at the time of leaving, and interesting to look back on to discover how you and your thoughts have changed since. All the very best to you.
I'm very grateful for the comments. Especially, nico, for showing that it's possible to be on the same wavelength four years past the point. I suspect we have more in common than you know, but time will tell.
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